Sunday, June 6, 2010

++Jefferts Schori Follows My Lead

Once again my bold and unflinching ministry has inspired other less distinguished leaders to also speak out. In this case my courageous previous homily concerning the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Pentecost letter has clearly inspired Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori to write a response of her own.

Naturally I’ve been far too busy to read it myself, and in any case as a Conservative I don’t believe it’s ever scripturally appropriate for a woman to teach a man anything: even as a child I was adamant about importance of interpreting 1 Timothy 2:12 literally, which probably explains why I wasn’t toilet trained until my late teens. Still, Consuella insists I commend the Primate’s response (or, she says, you should at least read this summary of it) to those of you with fewer scruples concerning listening to plain common sense from the mouths of those not blessed with the fleshy appendage so necessary for Biblical Christian ministry. What I do know, however, is that ++Jefferts Schori has failed to recognize one of the most obvious aspects of ++Cantaur’s epistle: that he was clearly writing it with church growth in mind.

You see, My Beloved Sinners, that not only is my ministry Doctrinally Pure, it’s also pastorally relevant on account of the countless hours I spend out and about in my local community ensuring my finger is on the pulse (in addition to other anatomical features) of men and women in the street. As a result I can state with absolute authority that reducing Episcopalian Church’s status on the Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order to that of “consultant” is a move which will have unbelievers flocking to fill unwarmed pews.

That’s because even though most people I stop and question are initially too busy to offer more than a friendly “Beat it, you corrupt old weirdo”, after showing them counterfeit law-enforcement id and a silenced magnum .44 they are invariably only too happy to assist in my research. Indeed, with interrogation increasing numbers have recently been explaining that the reason they’ve failed to attend Church with the same diligence as their forebears is that they’ve until now been appalled at ++Cantaur’s refusal to take decisive action over those Provinces refusing to abide by the ancient god-given tradition of lying about Bishops’ sexuality. Further careful leading generally inspires them to continue by disclosing that the thing which has made them particularly disgusted is that in spite of these apostate Churched being quite blatant in their determination to place the compassion and love of Christ ahead of the noble legalism of the Pharisees, the Anglican Communion has continued to permit these churches to enjoy full membership and voting privileges in Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

Yet when then informed of ++Rowan’s recent epistle the same unbelievers (or at least those not rendered mute and incontinent with fear) continue by insisting they will return to the arms of the Church they have forsaken, after which they hand me their credit cards and valuables as sign of the changes worked in their spirit.

No, there can be no denying the truth: people can say what they like about Archbishop Rowan Williams, but his response to the apostate Episcopalian Church is unquestionably one which will draw the great unwashed back in hitherto unimaginable multitudes. Right after the “formal ecumenical dialogues such as those with Orthodox Churches or the Roman Catholic Church” cause everyone in Rome, Moscow, and all those other places that are either broke or on the brink of civil war to repent and become Anglicans.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

I have now stopped speaking to the local Baptist Minister in case my ecumenical contacts suggest I support gays in the ministry. Now that Anglicans are the only true Christians, I can only express my horror at the punishment meted out to two gay men in Malawi. As a conservative Anglican, I was appalled at their 14-year jail sentence. They should, of course, have been hanged. But I now blame Rowan Williams in his failure to speak out against their disgraceful release. Instead of just banning Bishop Schori's Church from a boring committee, should he not support the execution of all gays and US Episcopalians?

Leonard said...

Instead of just banning Bishop Schori's Church from a boring committee, should he not support the execution of all gays and US Episcopalians? Fr. Hugh Jass

Dr Williams is trying to SNIDE us to DEATH...SNIDEISH UPPITY CLASS(LESS) NONSENSE seems to the at the heart of all communication with the Church of North America (of course he still sucks-up to Canada being a Commonewealth who know SNIDE is *mainly* postured against their obnoxious neighbors to the South...thus, they can ignore it and him completely...really, Rowan is a tiresome and snotty soul who wouldn´t know how to handle a crisis if he was in the center of it.

Anonymous said...

It looks like a number of Anglicans will be in need of healing when the Anglican church becomes more conservative than the Baptists.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I've just done a study on sociopaths and I can't see any behavioural differences for evangelicals! No seriously, this may explain why they are unable to comprehend that women and gays have feelings because they themselves have none. Some studies say 1 in 25 people fall into this category. Of course not all these people are axe murders...obviously the evangelical lifestyle gives them an outlet. If these people model themselves off Jesus, then Jesus must have met the requirement of sociopathology too.

Anonymous said...

Dr Rev Troll
What a paradox...evangelicals claim that addiction underpins homosexual behaviour and now psychologists are treating people for religious addiction to fundamentalism!

Treatment for religious addiction is new and some psychologists believe the 12 step AA program may help address this dysfunctional behaviour and some suggest the Addictive Recovery Measurement System for poly behavioural addiction is more adequate. It has been found that often those addicted to religious orthodoxy, have replaced other addictions for religious fundamentalism, therefore never really dealing with the underpinning issues of the initial addiction.

Lapinbizarre said...

A lovely response to a faintly sanctimonious post by the Bishop of Gibraltar concerning on the "removal" of TEC's representative from the Communion's interfaith dialogues.

Terence Dear comments "How times have changed! When I was a young man, the then Bishop of Fulham and Gibraltar was one of my most ardent admirers. I was fortunate to be entertained by the many gay Anglican chaplains in different parts of Europe. Happy days!" [Wiki search "Bishop of Fulham" may very well reveal the identity of the bishop in question.]

Other good comments at the Bishop of Gibraltar's post, regarding the sanctimonious hypocrisy of removing TEC's representative from interfaith dialogue with European churches which already openly ordain gays and provide same-sex blessings.

Lapinbizarre said...

Correction, David Hamid is suffragan to the Bishop of Gibraltar.