Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter.

As regular readers like Dobby Ould and little Matt Kennedy will testify, if I can’t say something nice about someone I don’t say anything at all. That, combined with the fact that there’s no way I’m going to risk offending the man with the funniest eyebrows in the Church of England until I know for certain that he’s signed off on my appointment as Bishop of Durham, means until now I’ve refrained from commenting upon his recent epistle to the Anglican Communion.

Still, My Beloved Sinners, you must never think that I’m deaf to your desperate pleas for enlightenment. Consequently it is with a heart for ministry ahead of a head for occupational advancement that I find myself called to comment – and let me tell you, as the World’s Most Conservative Christian I cannot in any way support to Archbishop Rowan’s sanctions against those provinces so apostate they’re prepared to appoint as Bishops men and women who refuse to lie about their sexuality, or to marry couples called by God to live as one. That’s because the core of his response to those Churches holding the outrageous notion that God doesn’t want us to hate and persecute those people seeking to live faithfully as they were created is to change their status to that of consultant.

Now as anyone who’s ever been involved in business or politics knows, it’s the consultants who make the real money. Look at all the great moments in history: when the White Star Line built a ship capable of sailing full steam ahead through an ice field, when the space shuttle engineers decided cheap seals would be good enough, or when President Bush invaded Iraq – in every case you can guarantee consultants were paid top dollar for their advice. Then later, when things didn’t turn out quite as expected – say for example with Senator McCain’s brilliant choice of running mate - who was it who made a fortune sorting out the mess afterwards? That’s right – consultants again!

So why on earth the Archbishop of Canterbury wants to reward TEC by appointing them as consultants completely escapes me. I thought the idea was to punish them, not reward them. This way when things don’t work out so well (and let’s face it, not even ++Rowan honestly believes his ecumenical councils are going to convince Benny Ratzfinger to start incorporating the XXXIX Articles into his weekly Vatican homily) the Epsicopal representatives will be able to say in all honesty that the failure had nothing to do with them. Before then, like all good consultants, submitting another hefty invoice for burying the failed plan and talking up a new one. It's almost enough to make this Doctrinal Warrior start pretending to be a liberal in order to score a cushy appointment getting thrown off the Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Tobias Stanislas Haller BSG said...

The "both trotters in the trough" world of consultation has, of course, long been a productive element in the life of the Anglican Communion. At its founding, Lambeth was clearly intended by its initiators as a jaunt and chin-wag, with plenty of down-time for what we in America (or New York, anyway) call "schmoozing." Even the closest thing to a legislature until now is called the "Consultative Council" -- so the riches just keep on coming. Hence the particular madness of all this urging towards Central Control of the Anglican Kommunion for the loyal Sons (yes, almost entirely) while letting the naughty Daughters (by and large) stay on as Consultants, is just too, too. You have pegged it right, Wise Teacher!

Anonymous said...

I recently issued a Pentecost Letter to my parishioners banning them from receiving communion from Matt Kennedy and Dobby Ould. Anyone discovered fraternising with these two liberal heretics will be banned from the parish Men's Group and Ladies' Cake-making Circle. Imagine my surprise that, despite these horrible sanctions, my epistle was greeted with blank indifference.

Brother David said...

Can you but imagine how much the BP consultants have garnered for their golden nest eggs. It makes me weak in the knees just contemplating the sums.

Bruce said...

I'm not sure any of us could get the consultants' positions, but then again that leaves the whole field open for lobbyists. I sense the future.
Bruce/Canon Itchy