...there's an answer to everyone's problem.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
If you go down to the bank today…
…you’re sure for a big surprise.
The heading my esteemed commenter gave this is “From the ‘You Couldn't Make Up This Headline If You Tried’ department ” and there’s nothing even I can add to improve it:
Read it for yourself (the link takes ages to open) and you’ll understand why Mrs. Minns gets upset when her husband says “I’ve just got to drop by the bank on my way home”.
And to think the best thing I’ve ever been able to get from my bank is an letter complaining I’d exceeded my credit card limit and a few pens I stole when nobody was looking…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
The heading my esteemed commenter gave this is “From the ‘You Couldn't Make Up This Headline If You Tried’ department ” and there’s nothing even I can add to improve it:
Akinola Decries Use of Female Bankers to Attract Deposits
"Many commercial banks today have turned their single female employees to corporate and official prostitutes, while married ones have become adulterous."
Read it for yourself (the link takes ages to open) and you’ll understand why Mrs. Minns gets upset when her husband says “I’ve just got to drop by the bank on my way home”.
And to think the best thing I’ve ever been able to get from my bank is an letter complaining I’d exceeded my credit card limit and a few pens I stole when nobody was looking…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Little Pete Jensen - Just What Ireland Needs.
It there’s one country on earth that could benefit from a little religious vitriol, it’s Ireland. From the liberal Tractarian Ian Paisley, who has spent decades working closely with a group of shape-shifting Jesuits for global Roman domination, to the Battle of the Boyne in 1690; Ireland is unquestionably a country that’s shamefully failed to step up to the mark when the call has been made for Christians to participate in a little good old sectarian violence.
Thankfully little Peter Jensen has decided to do something about this, and has been addressing crowds (well about 300 – so not as many as drop by here on a slow day, but these days numbers like that are pretty good for most Gafconeers – and that’s a whole lot more than he can drag out of bed on a Sunday morning in his own diocese) in the heartland of global Christian tolerance: Ulster.
After all, in a place where Romans and Protestants have been so close for centuries, what better way of getting Christians to participate in a little intra-faith hatred than by stirring up Anglicans to start fighting each other. And who can think of a place that needs schism more than Northern Ireland? Certainly not little Pete, that’s for sure.
Naturally he begun his talk by explaining the current division in the Anglican communion has nothing to do with homosexuality, but is instead actually all about respect for the Scriptures, after which he explained the enthronement of +Gene Robinson was the greatest evil to have ever occurred in the history of Christianity before speaking at length about different aspects of sex: in particular a film with which he currently seems a little obsessed, featuring something about a woman with 30 sexual partners.
Now I’ve told little Pete before that Gang Bang Babe probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he really isn't much good at understanding there’s a time and a place for everything: in his case the place is on the other side of the world, where there must surely be someone left unconverted in the little patch of ground with which Our Lord has entrusted him, although given it’s just about winter in Australia, while Ireland is so indescribably beautiful in the spring it’s hard to fault his timing. Now if only he’ll take my advice while he’s there, and spend some time explaining the evils of Roman Catholicism to a few gentlemen from this organization - I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear his bile, and with any luck their response could be quite explosive.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Thankfully little Peter Jensen has decided to do something about this, and has been addressing crowds (well about 300 – so not as many as drop by here on a slow day, but these days numbers like that are pretty good for most Gafconeers – and that’s a whole lot more than he can drag out of bed on a Sunday morning in his own diocese) in the heartland of global Christian tolerance: Ulster.
After all, in a place where Romans and Protestants have been so close for centuries, what better way of getting Christians to participate in a little intra-faith hatred than by stirring up Anglicans to start fighting each other. And who can think of a place that needs schism more than Northern Ireland? Certainly not little Pete, that’s for sure.
Naturally he begun his talk by explaining the current division in the Anglican communion has nothing to do with homosexuality, but is instead actually all about respect for the Scriptures, after which he explained the enthronement of +Gene Robinson was the greatest evil to have ever occurred in the history of Christianity before speaking at length about different aspects of sex: in particular a film with which he currently seems a little obsessed, featuring something about a woman with 30 sexual partners.
Now I’ve told little Pete before that Gang Bang Babe probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he really isn't much good at understanding there’s a time and a place for everything: in his case the place is on the other side of the world, where there must surely be someone left unconverted in the little patch of ground with which Our Lord has entrusted him, although given it’s just about winter in Australia, while Ireland is so indescribably beautiful in the spring it’s hard to fault his timing. Now if only he’ll take my advice while he’s there, and spend some time explaining the evils of Roman Catholicism to a few gentlemen from this organization - I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear his bile, and with any luck their response could be quite explosive.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Truth is stranger than fiction.
When it comes to telling the truth GAFCON leaders are generally considered as on the same level as The Cash Box and other payday lenders, but what I am about to tell you, my dear sinners, is absolutely true. So please try and forget this is was written by a Bible-Believing Doctrinal Warrior and leader of the fight for Global Orthodoxy, and instead just try to read it as if it came from someone who can be trusted.
That’s because a recent review of my readership statistics, undertaken in an effort to learn more about where you all live and how valuable your demographic data will be as part of a campaign to convince the Hellmann’s Corporation to provide me with free mayonnaise for life, has produced two extremely startling discoveries.
The first is astonishing: this blog receives more hits from upstate New York than from any other individual part of the planet. Not that these many of these visitors leave comments, mind you: but come they do, and in such numbers that it’s more likely than not that while you’re reading this someone in upstate New York is reading it at the same time.
What’s more, these visitors nearly all come from the same town - have you guessed which one yet? That’s right – Binghamton! Home of little Matt Kennedy and his innumerable offspring, and the place to which sweet Hostillium was sentenced to a life of hard labor in return for having deigned to be his consort.
Now as I already told you, I am not making this up!!! I receive more hits from Binghamton than from any other regional city in the world! Certainly, a good jab at one of the Jensen’s of their serfs always get a lift in the number of folks in their dictatorship permitted to own a computer – but even these spikes in traffic don’t even begin to come close to the regular parade of callers from the faux-Kenyan epicenter of pseudo-orthodoxy we all know and love.
The second and more astonishing discovery is even stranger – and again I swear I’m not making this up: the past month has seen a disconcerting number of pilgrims arrive here as a result of having conducted a Google search for the phrase “Lagos proctologist”.
I’ve run the search myself, and can’t for the life of me find any reference to GAFCON on any of the resulting 10+ pages – but someone has. Nor do I recall ever having mentioned anything to do with that particular aspect of Big Pete Akinola’s domain: even I have standards. Yet for reasons entirely unexplained people keep coming here as part of their quest for rectal relief in Nigeria…
Now the graphs don’t show where these people in search of alimentary enlightenment are arriving from, but given the number of hits from you-know-where, probability suggests that they’re not all in Madagascar or Helsinki. Which means it's likely that at least one of them is looking for something they just can’t learn at The Good Shepherd.
After all: given how the future looks for little Matt Kennedy, especially in the light of his lawyers’ track record, who can blame him for trying to get in a little preparation prior to sharing a cell with a lifer named “Bubba” whose hobbies include weightlifting and making earnest young clergyman who’ve been convicted of fraud squeal like pigs. Hopefully when he finds the advice he’s looking for he’ll take it a little more seriously than he has that little verse in the Bible that says “Thou shalt not steal”.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
That’s because a recent review of my readership statistics, undertaken in an effort to learn more about where you all live and how valuable your demographic data will be as part of a campaign to convince the Hellmann’s Corporation to provide me with free mayonnaise for life, has produced two extremely startling discoveries.
The first is astonishing: this blog receives more hits from upstate New York than from any other individual part of the planet. Not that these many of these visitors leave comments, mind you: but come they do, and in such numbers that it’s more likely than not that while you’re reading this someone in upstate New York is reading it at the same time.
What’s more, these visitors nearly all come from the same town - have you guessed which one yet? That’s right – Binghamton! Home of little Matt Kennedy and his innumerable offspring, and the place to which sweet Hostillium was sentenced to a life of hard labor in return for having deigned to be his consort.
Now as I already told you, I am not making this up!!! I receive more hits from Binghamton than from any other regional city in the world! Certainly, a good jab at one of the Jensen’s of their serfs always get a lift in the number of folks in their dictatorship permitted to own a computer – but even these spikes in traffic don’t even begin to come close to the regular parade of callers from the faux-Kenyan epicenter of pseudo-orthodoxy we all know and love.
The second and more astonishing discovery is even stranger – and again I swear I’m not making this up: the past month has seen a disconcerting number of pilgrims arrive here as a result of having conducted a Google search for the phrase “Lagos proctologist”.
I’ve run the search myself, and can’t for the life of me find any reference to GAFCON on any of the resulting 10+ pages – but someone has. Nor do I recall ever having mentioned anything to do with that particular aspect of Big Pete Akinola’s domain: even I have standards. Yet for reasons entirely unexplained people keep coming here as part of their quest for rectal relief in Nigeria…
Now the graphs don’t show where these people in search of alimentary enlightenment are arriving from, but given the number of hits from you-know-where, probability suggests that they’re not all in Madagascar or Helsinki. Which means it's likely that at least one of them is looking for something they just can’t learn at The Good Shepherd.
After all: given how the future looks for little Matt Kennedy, especially in the light of his lawyers’ track record, who can blame him for trying to get in a little preparation prior to sharing a cell with a lifer named “Bubba” whose hobbies include weightlifting and making earnest young clergyman who’ve been convicted of fraud squeal like pigs. Hopefully when he finds the advice he’s looking for he’ll take it a little more seriously than he has that little verse in the Bible that says “Thou shalt not steal”.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Ban the Blog!
Over at a certain place that most of us follow like crack whores, there’s been an interesting discussion in the comments of this post about a Guardian columnist and alleged vicar of Putney, Fr. Giles Fraser .
The cause of the trouble seems to have something to do with the pernicious medium of blogging, a long cherished concern of mine that Ruth Gledhill of The Timesran with after a Viagravillain dared call her a ”an instrument of evil”.
Of course a more cynical man than I can’t help thinking that the Rev. Guardian only picked this topic up because he was running a little pressed for time, and toadying to a fellow journalist seemed a quick way of finding a few hundreds word, but that is not correct. Nor is there any truth behind theories that ensuring one continues to receive good press in the The Times plays an important part achieving those aspirations involving the colour purple but not Whoopi Goldberg.
No, the Rev. Guardian is quite correct; the world of blogging is indeed a terrible place, where anyone with access to a computer can ridicule and expose the pompous, hypocritical and power-hungry for what they are. Unlike the physical world, where people express themselves with fists, knives and the wonderfully expressive product range offered by British Aerospace, the blogosphere involves people fighting with words, ideas, and (in the case of the occasional Viagravillain), the barely-coherent products of a spittle-flecked keyboard.
What’s more, blogging entirely by-passes the pockets of such noble pillars of society as Ruth Gledhill’s boss, enabling people to say anything they want regardless of who they happen to not be afraid to laugh at. Much as I love little David Virtue, I’ll be the first to say not even he reaches the delightful moral pinnacles of the man Ruth is actively helping to make richer, and if instead of foolishly reading and writing blogs more people spent their time viewing his newspapers, magazines and television programs, and absorbing the informative advertisements these are proud to carry for a not insubstantial fee, there can be no doubt the world would be a much better place. Or at least it would be for Ruth’s boss.
The whole blog thing should be shut down immediately. All of it. This business of letting people speak for themselves, airing the “ideas” normally only expressed in the privacy of their ever-diminishing congregations, is disgraceful. Opinions should be restricted to those who can be trusted to never say anything too challenging. Everyone else should just shut up and listen. Perhaps if they behave themselves especially well they might also be given the privilege of writing important newspaper columns that never question the morality of those actually running our world.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
The cause of the trouble seems to have something to do with the pernicious medium of blogging, a long cherished concern of mine that Ruth Gledhill of The Timesran with after a Viagravillain dared call her a ”an instrument of evil”.
Of course a more cynical man than I can’t help thinking that the Rev. Guardian only picked this topic up because he was running a little pressed for time, and toadying to a fellow journalist seemed a quick way of finding a few hundreds word, but that is not correct. Nor is there any truth behind theories that ensuring one continues to receive good press in the The Times plays an important part achieving those aspirations involving the colour purple but not Whoopi Goldberg.
No, the Rev. Guardian is quite correct; the world of blogging is indeed a terrible place, where anyone with access to a computer can ridicule and expose the pompous, hypocritical and power-hungry for what they are. Unlike the physical world, where people express themselves with fists, knives and the wonderfully expressive product range offered by British Aerospace, the blogosphere involves people fighting with words, ideas, and (in the case of the occasional Viagravillain), the barely-coherent products of a spittle-flecked keyboard.
What’s more, blogging entirely by-passes the pockets of such noble pillars of society as Ruth Gledhill’s boss, enabling people to say anything they want regardless of who they happen to not be afraid to laugh at. Much as I love little David Virtue, I’ll be the first to say not even he reaches the delightful moral pinnacles of the man Ruth is actively helping to make richer, and if instead of foolishly reading and writing blogs more people spent their time viewing his newspapers, magazines and television programs, and absorbing the informative advertisements these are proud to carry for a not insubstantial fee, there can be no doubt the world would be a much better place. Or at least it would be for Ruth’s boss.
The whole blog thing should be shut down immediately. All of it. This business of letting people speak for themselves, airing the “ideas” normally only expressed in the privacy of their ever-diminishing congregations, is disgraceful. Opinions should be restricted to those who can be trusted to never say anything too challenging. Everyone else should just shut up and listen. Perhaps if they behave themselves especially well they might also be given the privilege of writing important newspaper columns that never question the morality of those actually running our world.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
You’re a bad boy, Archbishop Mokiwa.
I can’t imagine how I missed this gem – which I reproduce verbatim - from little Christopher Seitz the first time I read the emails:
What the dear lad expected the Titan of Tanzania to do with the money I’m not sure: doesn’t he realise that +Mokiwa is a GAFCON Primate, and jetting around the globe is the sole purpose of their existence? And surely "pray" as used here is a typo: clearly what little Christopher meant to say was "bitch".
No, even though one can’t help finding this very, very funny (unless, perhaps, you’re +Tanzania) there is a sad side: compare the cutting edge insight and phrasing of Chris Seitz with this piece by the terrible fellow who had the hide to shine a light on the charming way the Anglican Communion Institute operate (and speak about their fellow-travellers when they think nobody’s listening).
My dear sinners, the truth is that if the light of Christ continues to shine through Apostate Liberals and their forsaken Church in the way it does through Father Harris I fear they might all be around for a lot longer than the level-headed prognostications of the gang at Viagraville have led us to believe. The whole thing's so stressful that it's enough to make a man threaten to give his allies a good spanking...
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
“PS--please can we pray about what it means for +Tanzania to take a big chunk of money and,effectively, use is to buy an airplane ticket to London to meet with Gafcon. This is despicable and cannot be left without response and of a serious sort.”
What the dear lad expected the Titan of Tanzania to do with the money I’m not sure: doesn’t he realise that +Mokiwa is a GAFCON Primate, and jetting around the globe is the sole purpose of their existence? And surely "pray" as used here is a typo: clearly what little Christopher meant to say was "bitch".
No, even though one can’t help finding this very, very funny (unless, perhaps, you’re +Tanzania) there is a sad side: compare the cutting edge insight and phrasing of Chris Seitz with this piece by the terrible fellow who had the hide to shine a light on the charming way the Anglican Communion Institute operate (and speak about their fellow-travellers when they think nobody’s listening).
My dear sinners, the truth is that if the light of Christ continues to shine through Apostate Liberals and their forsaken Church in the way it does through Father Harris I fear they might all be around for a lot longer than the level-headed prognostications of the gang at Viagraville have led us to believe. The whole thing's so stressful that it's enough to make a man threaten to give his allies a good spanking...
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
The Right Reverend Wobbles...
Some comments are simply too good to remain hidden (and unindexed by Google) so I’m repeating a wonderful observation shared with us by Anonymous:
Wobbly Wabukala is not called that for nothing. An exercise in compare and contrast:
This:
Thank you indeed, Anonymous. Few things epitomise the GAFCON spirit like this marvelous example – and isn’t it good to know that Conservative Christianity is still a place where men can sail whichever way the wind is blowing and still end up at the front of the fleet. Now please, nobody mention James 1:7-8.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Wobbly Wabukala is not called that for nothing. An exercise in compare and contrast:
This:
“When the Rt. Rev. Dr. Eliud Wabukala, from Bungoma in Western Kenya, was asked why he was going to GAFCON, but not to the Lambeth Conference in July, he told a congregation of Kenyans in his diocese that you don’t go to a place where men marry men...The bishop said it was a “hard agonizing decision to make choosing not to go to Lambeth...We cannot go there (Lambeth)"With this:
“One of the six Kenyan bishops who attended the Lambeth Conference, as well as the Global Anglican Future Conference (GAFCON) in Jerusalem last year, has been elected Archbishop of Kenya...He is Dr Eliud Wabukala.”Did you see the wobble? Read again; it's so subtle you may have missed it...
Thank you indeed, Anonymous. Few things epitomise the GAFCON spirit like this marvelous example – and isn’t it good to know that Conservative Christianity is still a place where men can sail whichever way the wind is blowing and still end up at the front of the fleet. Now please, nobody mention James 1:7-8.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
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