Monday, May 4, 2009

Little Pete Jensen - Just What Ireland Needs.

It there’s one country on earth that could benefit from a little religious vitriol, it’s Ireland. From the liberal Tractarian Ian Paisley, who has spent decades working closely with a group of shape-shifting Jesuits for global Roman domination, to the Battle of the Boyne in 1690; Ireland is unquestionably a country that’s shamefully failed to step up to the mark when the call has been made for Christians to participate in a little good old sectarian violence.

Thankfully little Peter Jensen has decided to do something about this, and has been addressing crowds (well about 300 – so not as many as drop by here on a slow day, but these days numbers like that are pretty good for most Gafconeers – and that’s a whole lot more than he can drag out of bed on a Sunday morning in his own diocese) in the heartland of global Christian tolerance: Ulster.

After all, in a place where Romans and Protestants have been so close for centuries, what better way of getting Christians to participate in a little intra-faith hatred than by stirring up Anglicans to start fighting each other. And who can think of a place that needs schism more than Northern Ireland? Certainly not little Pete, that’s for sure.

Naturally he begun his talk by explaining the current division in the Anglican communion has nothing to do with homosexuality, but is instead actually all about respect for the Scriptures, after which he explained the enthronement of +Gene Robinson was the greatest evil to have ever occurred in the history of Christianity before speaking at length about different aspects of sex: in particular a film with which he currently seems a little obsessed, featuring something about a woman with 30 sexual partners.

Now I’ve told little Pete before that Gang Bang Babe probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he really isn't much good at understanding there’s a time and a place for everything: in his case the place is on the other side of the world, where there must surely be someone left unconverted in the little patch of ground with which Our Lord has entrusted him, although given it’s just about winter in Australia, while Ireland is so indescribably beautiful in the spring it’s hard to fault his timing. Now if only he’ll take my advice while he’s there, and spend some time explaining the evils of Roman Catholicism to a few gentlemen from this organization - I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear his bile, and with any luck their response could be quite explosive.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Nobody does it like the Irish...well, there is the DAR and the KKK and Akinola´s Massacre-promoting leadership (not to mention Howard Ahmansons ¨dial M¨ for Dollars).

Irving Pulse-Puig Santana

Anonymous said...

In recent years, the British Military has had to journey as far as Iraq and Afghanistan to kill people. Mr Jensens's sermon may necessitate their speedy return, after he has successfully stirred up hatred against gays, Roman Catholics and porn stars.
Mr Jensen's obedient son Michael is a distinguished theatre critic, so it is hardly surprising his old Dad is a porn movie buff.
PS. Do you know if "Gang Bang Babe" is on general release, Father? Or is it just popular in Sydney Diocese?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I believe it's the much more successful follow-up to their original flop: Connect '09

Anonymous said...

From the "You Couldn't Make Up This Headline If You Tried" department:

"Akinola Decries Use of Female Bankers to Attract Deposits"I have often encountered bank tellers that have tempted one to make a deposit, so I am gladdened that ++Akinola has been deeply investigating this phenomenon, and has concluded, at the end of thorough and probing research:

"Many commercial banks today have turned their single female employees to corporate and official prostitutes, while married ones have become adulterous."

Anonymous said...

While ++Akinola has been investigating deposits with female bank staff, his good friend ++Orombi seems concerned with "bulgy brown envelopes". Perhaps ++Akinola could find a nice bank lady with which ++Orombi could deposit his bulgy brown envelope?

"His Grace the Most Reverend Bishop Luke Orombi, has been labeled a “hobnobber” with State House. At the time the investment demon had started to hover over our land, it is rumoured that the President had convinced His Grace to sell off the All Saints Church building to an investor!

On the whole, bishops and prominent clergymen in Uganda lead the most opulent lifestyles; with mansions, state-of-the art automobiles, government escorts and cash at their disposal. Most of them have been hugely pampered by government to the extent that they are heard preaching the name of Museveni more enthusiastically than the word of God. At every consecration of a new bishop, Museveni has been seen to donate 4X4 vehicles, heifers and bulgy brown envelopes in the name of “supporting church programmes”. This has earned Museveni undying support, loyalty and boot-licking from the clergy. Otherwise, how could a bishop riding in a Land Cruiser dolled to him by President Museveni dare to preach a different gospel other than the “Yellow Gospel”?"

MadPriest said...

Poor St. Patrick. All the effort he put into ridding the Emerald Isle of snakes and now one of the most venomous varieties has snuck in the back door. The Irish really should have stricter quarantine laws.

Anonymous said...

Oh well, it's not the first time a Calvinist has said hateful things in Ulster.