Sunday, May 3, 2009

Truth is stranger than fiction.

When it comes to telling the truth GAFCON leaders are generally considered as on the same level as The Cash Box and other payday lenders, but what I am about to tell you, my dear sinners, is absolutely true. So please try and forget this is was written by a Bible-Believing Doctrinal Warrior and leader of the fight for Global Orthodoxy, and instead just try to read it as if it came from someone who can be trusted.

That’s because a recent review of my readership statistics, undertaken in an effort to learn more about where you all live and how valuable your demographic data will be as part of a campaign to convince the Hellmann’s Corporation to provide me with free mayonnaise for life, has produced two extremely startling discoveries.

The first is astonishing: this blog receives more hits from upstate New York than from any other individual part of the planet. Not that these many of these visitors leave comments, mind you: but come they do, and in such numbers that it’s more likely than not that while you’re reading this someone in upstate New York is reading it at the same time.

What’s more, these visitors nearly all come from the same town - have you guessed which one yet? That’s right – Binghamton! Home of little Matt Kennedy and his innumerable offspring, and the place to which sweet Hostillium was sentenced to a life of hard labor in return for having deigned to be his consort.

Now as I already told you, I am not making this up!!! I receive more hits from Binghamton than from any other regional city in the world! Certainly, a good jab at one of the Jensen’s of their serfs always get a lift in the number of folks in their dictatorship permitted to own a computer – but even these spikes in traffic don’t even begin to come close to the regular parade of callers from the faux-Kenyan epicenter of pseudo-orthodoxy we all know and love.

The second and more astonishing discovery is even stranger – and again I swear I’m not making this up: the past month has seen a disconcerting number of pilgrims arrive here as a result of having conducted a Google search for the phrase “Lagos proctologist”.

I’ve run the search myself, and can’t for the life of me find any reference to GAFCON on any of the resulting 10+ pages – but someone has. Nor do I recall ever having mentioned anything to do with that particular aspect of Big Pete Akinola’s domain: even I have standards. Yet for reasons entirely unexplained people keep coming here as part of their quest for rectal relief in Nigeria…

Now the graphs don’t show where these people in search of alimentary enlightenment are arriving from, but given the number of hits from you-know-where, probability suggests that they’re not all in Madagascar or Helsinki. Which means it's likely that at least one of them is looking for something they just can’t learn at The Good Shepherd.

After all: given how the future looks for little Matt Kennedy, especially in the light of his lawyers’ track record, who can blame him for trying to get in a little preparation prior to sharing a cell with a lifer named “Bubba” whose hobbies include weightlifting and making earnest young clergyman who’ve been convicted of fraud squeal like pigs. Hopefully when he finds the advice he’s looking for he’ll take it a little more seriously than he has that little verse in the Bible that says “Thou shalt not steal”.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Lynn said...

See what happens when May arrives, and it finally stops snowing in Binghamton?

Doorman-Priest said...

There are people from THERE reading at the same time as me?

I'll go and shower at once.

gerry said...

Of course there are people from here in Binghamton reading this blog. We also read OCICBW, Desert's Child; Telling Secrets, Real Anglicans, Preludium...

We're all trying to understand what makes the Savronola of the South Side tick. To say nothing of the rest of his friends and co-religionists.

We want to understand better how they got to the places they are in the church.

Unknown said...

Well gerry, make sure you also study the next two chapters as well...

1) How a search committee goes that far off course.

2) How to avoid going there too!

This should be a case study for vestry people, search committees, SC's and all TEC bishops. Too often we tend to think of vestry meetings as boring and the service on vestry to be meaningless and thankless. Not so. You may be safeguarding the church.

It stops snowing in May? I thought it was June!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Fair enough, Gerry my son.

Your visits (& those of other Binghamtonians like you) make me proud to be your host - but somehow I suspect you're not among the hordes looking for a Nigerian tail specialist: perhaps Savronola's torture has already begun?

gerry said...

Well, Rt. Rev. Clumber that's exactly what the research is supporting.

I was elected to the Vestry of Trinity Memorial Episcopal in January and nominated to serve on the Discernment and Search Team for Trinity Memorial's 10th Rector in February.

If for no other reason, I want to hope to avoid the disasterous missteps that led to the loss of St. Andrew's Vestal and Good Shepherd Binghamton.

If there are signs and clues to look for. I am searching for them.

All of you are helping to define warnings signs.

Mt Dear Rev, Dr Troll; you are quite correct, I am not someone in search of a tail sepcialist. However, I find you have valuable insights into the GAFCON mind.

I would rather rely on your conclusions than put on the gumboots and wade into the streams of thought in their minds.

Anonymous said...

Do you think the ultra-spooky retiring ++Archbackedbishop of Kenya instructed the priest, with hands that move faster than that very fast moving mouth, ought not steal stuff before court judgmentday?

Also, and somehow, it seems odd that regional bishop plumpendigger would have been so careless when sewing precisous stones into his mitre...where did these, thieving, free-for-all beliving ORDERS come from originally?

I´ll betcha we get to know when push comes to shove (that would be before being exhibit priest A is joined into happy homemaking with Bubba)...the ¨squealing¨ we will hear may be heard long before sex games in the dark corners of the prison yard really don´t think, do you dear Dr. Christian, that Fr. Stickeyfingers isn´t going to spill the beans before he gets bumped? Surely he´s not stupid enough to go down with the +pimp?

Reba Velvet Hammerstein