++Jefferts Schori Follows My Lead

Once again my bold and unflinching ministry has inspired other less distinguished leaders to also speak out. In this case my courageous previous homily concerning the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Pentecost letter has clearly inspired Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori to write a response of her own.

Naturally I’ve been far too busy to read it myself, and in any case as a Conservative I don’t believe it’s ever scripturally appropriate for a woman to teach a man anything: even as a child I was adamant about importance of interpreting 1 Timothy 2:12 literally, which probably explains why I wasn’t toilet trained until my late teens. Still, Consuella insists I commend the Primate’s response (or, she says, you should at least read this summary of it) to those of you with fewer scruples concerning listening to plain common sense from the mouths of those not blessed with the fleshy appendage so necessary for Biblical Christian ministry. What I do know, however, is that ++Jefferts Schori has failed to recognize one of the most obvious aspects of ++Cantaur’s epistle: that he was clearly writing it with church growth in mind.

You see, My Beloved Sinners, that not only is my ministry Doctrinally Pure, it’s also pastorally relevant on account of the countless hours I spend out and about in my local community ensuring my finger is on the pulse (in addition to other anatomical features) of men and women in the street. As a result I can state with absolute authority that reducing Episcopalian Church’s status on the Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order to that of “consultant” is a move which will have unbelievers flocking to fill unwarmed pews.

That’s because even though most people I stop and question are initially too busy to offer more than a friendly “Beat it, you corrupt old weirdo”, after showing them counterfeit law-enforcement id and a silenced magnum .44 they are invariably only too happy to assist in my research. Indeed, with interrogation increasing numbers have recently been explaining that the reason they’ve failed to attend Church with the same diligence as their forebears is that they’ve until now been appalled at ++Cantaur’s refusal to take decisive action over those Provinces refusing to abide by the ancient god-given tradition of lying about Bishops’ sexuality. Further careful leading generally inspires them to continue by disclosing that the thing which has made them particularly disgusted is that in spite of these apostate Churched being quite blatant in their determination to place the compassion and love of Christ ahead of the noble legalism of the Pharisees, the Anglican Communion has continued to permit these churches to enjoy full membership and voting privileges in Inter-Anglican Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

Yet when then informed of ++Rowan’s recent epistle the same unbelievers (or at least those not rendered mute and incontinent with fear) continue by insisting they will return to the arms of the Church they have forsaken, after which they hand me their credit cards and valuables as sign of the changes worked in their spirit.

No, there can be no denying the truth: people can say what they like about Archbishop Rowan Williams, but his response to the apostate Episcopalian Church is unquestionably one which will draw the great unwashed back in hitherto unimaginable multitudes. Right after the “formal ecumenical dialogues such as those with Orthodox Churches or the Roman Catholic Church” cause everyone in Rome, Moscow, and all those other places that are either broke or on the brink of civil war to repent and become Anglicans.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter.

As regular readers like Dobby Ould and little Matt Kennedy will testify, if I can’t say something nice about someone I don’t say anything at all. That, combined with the fact that there’s no way I’m going to risk offending the man with the funniest eyebrows in the Church of England until I know for certain that he’s signed off on my appointment as Bishop of Durham, means until now I’ve refrained from commenting upon his recent epistle to the Anglican Communion.

Still, My Beloved Sinners, you must never think that I’m deaf to your desperate pleas for enlightenment. Consequently it is with a heart for ministry ahead of a head for occupational advancement that I find myself called to comment – and let me tell you, as the World’s Most Conservative Christian I cannot in any way support to Archbishop Rowan’s sanctions against those provinces so apostate they’re prepared to appoint as Bishops men and women who refuse to lie about their sexuality, or to marry couples called by God to live as one. That’s because the core of his response to those Churches holding the outrageous notion that God doesn’t want us to hate and persecute those people seeking to live faithfully as they were created is to change their status to that of consultant.

Now as anyone who’s ever been involved in business or politics knows, it’s the consultants who make the real money. Look at all the great moments in history: when the White Star Line built a ship capable of sailing full steam ahead through an ice field, when the space shuttle engineers decided cheap seals would be good enough, or when President Bush invaded Iraq – in every case you can guarantee consultants were paid top dollar for their advice. Then later, when things didn’t turn out quite as expected – say for example with Senator McCain’s brilliant choice of running mate - who was it who made a fortune sorting out the mess afterwards? That’s right – consultants again!

So why on earth the Archbishop of Canterbury wants to reward TEC by appointing them as consultants completely escapes me. I thought the idea was to punish them, not reward them. This way when things don’t work out so well (and let’s face it, not even ++Rowan honestly believes his ecumenical councils are going to convince Benny Ratzfinger to start incorporating the XXXIX Articles into his weekly Vatican homily) the Epsicopal representatives will be able to say in all honesty that the failure had nothing to do with them. Before then, like all good consultants, submitting another hefty invoice for burying the failed plan and talking up a new one. It's almost enough to make this Doctrinal Warrior start pretending to be a liberal in order to score a cushy appointment getting thrown off the Standing Commission on Unity, Faith and Order.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

And in the purple corner we have ...

Back in the good old days, before Scripture-denying liberals made it commonplace for women to be prescribed pain relief while giving birth - in blatant contravention of Genesis 3:16 - a popular amusement at county fairs and the like involved placing wild animals in a small cage and watching them tear each other to shreds. Now whilst I utterly abhor cruelty of any kind not involving one’s Curate, it's undeniable that Bishop Quinine has a point when he says the prohibition of such honest folk entertainments is just one more indication of how far society has turned its back upon the old values which engendered the kind of respect for one’s elders reflected in the ducking of grandmothers who dared to voice their opinion, or the pressing of witches.

Consequently I am deeply indebted to the Dearly Beloved Sinner who drew my attention to this marvellous blog post regarding AMiA (the Rwandan border-hopping exercise headed up by little Chuck “I’ll do anything to wear purple” Murphy and his band of merry men) having decided to “walk apart” from Bobby Duncan’s sect, for it shows it’s possible to enjoy all the traditional merriment of watching a sack full of cats fight without a single innocent creature being harmed. About halfway down through the comments (I’ve saved a full copy, so if they get removed – which they probably will – let me know and I’ll repost them here) an anonymous faux-Rwandan really starts the fireworks with a marvellous attack on his Conservative brothers:

“With the GAFCON / FCA initiative and call for a new province, those who had previously found it so hard to abandon ship were ready to set sail on their new yacht. Now with the opportunity to be called Your Grace (he grins every time he is greeted with that title) and to receive a miter and crosier (I have never seen an AMiA bishop so adorned) Duncan FINALLY steps to the fore. However, the group that would constitute the new ACNA was pitifully small and insignificant (without the now decade old and growing AMiA). So, without pride or prejudice the AMiA welcomed the opportunity to help anybody (even those who hate them) support the Anglican Identity promulgated by the Jerusalem Declaration (avoiding the use of the sticky term “orthodox” here).

A year into the new structure, it is very clear to AMiA folks that ACNA is rapidly becoming a cleaned-up Episcopal church. With visions of future committees, Roberts rules, diocesan conventions, and old arguments …”

After a few sharp responses from faithful Duncanites touchingly demonstrating the love felt in return (“There is no way Chuck Murphy will ever accept being anything but The Vicar of Christ in North America. Once there is a "generational change of leadership" (to put things tastefully) theAM will quickly merge with ACNA.”) none other than She-Who-Combs Bobby’s-Wyebrows weighs in. That’s right, Mrs. Psuedo-Primate herself, and let me tell you, Beloved Sinners, hell hath no fury… “I don't mind giving up my husband for the work of the Kingdom but I DO mind reading Crap like this…”

Yet that’s only her beginning:

“ The day the AMia starts doing some church planting is difficult areas will be the day when I cheer you. What about New England? Anyone can plant a church in the South where there is still a church going culture - not so the northeast where they are dying for an orthodox presence. And I don't meann (sic) plant a church 2 blocks away from one already planted an syphon off their people - so your New York City plant doesn't count. No, go into Morris County in New Jersey and try there. Then brag about your expertise and success and I'll be on the front row of congratulations. Right now, be glad I don't know who you are - because you've made me very angry.”

To make her point the comment is then immediately repeated: someone wasn’t being a patient little kingdom wife when she was furiously clicking “Publish Comment”, were they? But it takes more than an enraged Pseudo-Primate’s wife to keep an anonymous faux-Rwandan down:

“I do not know your husband so I can say nothing of his character. My mention of him is as a representative of the party that treats AMiA like a read-headed step child. The bloggers blame Rwanda for the present circumstances…Rwanda was our advocate and hero from the very beginning when no American was willing to lead. AMiA is accused of being power hungry, yet it is not an AMiA bishop that has been elevated at this juncture... … in your angry response (to a nobody on a blog) you, a member of the archbishop’s own household, have betrayed deep resentment and contempt for the AMiA and bishop Murphy personally. Your response provides great clarity to me about what I have witnessed of the persecution of my friends. ”

And so the battle rages on, reminding Consuella of the cockfights which were so popular in her childhood village. Honorable mention must certainly be made of the blog’s owner, a Duncanite who well comprehends the importance of keeping the boss's wife happy: “I am sorry an anonymous commentator offended you here. Obviously they do not speak for me. I think very highly of my archbishop. ”. After which is revealed the best window into the love and mutual respect found behind the scenes of the glorious schism through which you’ve ever peeped:

“… as for "blaming Rwanda" it is merely a statement of fact that the Rwandan House of Bishops in January objected to the set up of AMiA within ACNA. They were the ones who necessitated this change. For whatever reason they want to keep the AM very close to the vest, while the other overseas jurisdictions who have helped us have cheered the formation of ACNA on and helped Archbishop Duncan and our other leaders at every turn in forming the new province.

And as for "treating AMiA like a red-headed stepchild," the entire Constitution and Canons of the ACNA were constructed with AMiA in mind to insure they could continue to function just as they have. Far from being sidelined, AMiA was right at the center of the process, being catered to a great deal. If anything AMiA was treated like the "fair-haired child" of ACNA! ”

Indeed: who needs any blood-sports when we’ve got Orthodox fellowship like this to watch? Fox-hunting, bull-fighting, youth fellowship games nights – the lot of them pale into insignificance when compared with Biblical Christianity’s answer to professional wrestling. And the best part is that the show’s only just begun; just wait until you see how exciting things get when all the ambitious men with a predilection for pointy hats realize that as far as Bobby’s concerned his enthronement was like getting a puppy for Christmas (albeit messier and nowhere near as cute) – for life.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

When it's quantity, not quality, that matters.

As a result of my faithful and untiring research into the internet’s sinfulness I daily receive an enormous number of unsolicited emails. Naturally I’m too busy to pay them the slightest attention (although I must confess to occasionally wondering if anyone ever really attempts to purchase Viagra in response to spam from somewhere in Rumania or Nigeria), but when the following email came from somebody with the refreshingly Orthodox name of “Lilliputian Savage” (David Virtue's new pseudonym perhaps?) I could not help but take notice:


Naturally I have already requested a sample. Depending on the quality Bishop Quinine intends using them for scientific research, or else as the basis for a new line of budget pet food. I, however, intend to baptise them all as parishioners, which will make me the uncontested star of the Anglican church-growth movement. Not only will I be bigger than Rick Warren, but with those numbers there’ll be a good case for declaring St. Onuphrius’ a Province of its own. After all: if ACNA can use logic like that so can I...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Ready, Aim, FIRE! - Canon History.

Since there wasn’t much demand for chimney sweeps on the Serengeti wilderness where my parents served as gun runners missionaries, and as responsible Christians they understood the importance of teaching their young son the value of hard work, I was instead at the age of three apprenticed to a local circus, where I quickly became famous as the world’s youngest human cannonball. It was a marvellous introduction to life’s ups and downs, and one I can heartily recommend to any mother or father eager to give their offspring a solid grounding in Conservative Biblical ethics: any collateral forebrain damage which may occur to your little one is more than offset by the subsequent inability to comprehend reality in anything other than a purely binary capacity.

What’s more I have as a result been left with an abiding interest in cannons, and consequently when the more lucid members of the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team urged me to share this article on the history of our New Testament canon with My Beloved Sinners I could hardly refuse. Naturally I haven’t read it myself, since I’ve been far too busy finding out who I need to bribe/blackmail with regard to obtaining little Bishop Wright’s position, but those of you not blessed by God with lives as important as mine are sure to benefit from taking a few minutes to study this essay - my apologies to those of you who are evangelicals or who were home-schooled, but there’s no pictures.

As a leading Conservative, of course, my own knowledge of history is exemplary, and I’m committed to ensuring more Sinners learn of St. James’ (brother of Our Lord, who was martyred in Acts 12:2 and later became king of England) inspiring work translating the Bible back into the original English. Indeed, the journey through which the original canon - given to God’s people by St. Paul in a process which two fascinating young visitors on bicycles recently explained to me involved an angel, gold tablets, and a pair of peep stones – passed down through the centuries unchanged is positively thrilling. Despite efforts of Romans like St. Jerome who sought to obscure God’s perspicuous word by rendering it into a Latin edition called the ‘Vulgate’ (with a name like that any real Christian should immediately sense something immoral), St. James ensured Christian booksellers would never be deprived of their most stable item.

Indeed, by entering the field of publishing St. James also inspired Martin Luther, who despite being foreign was so excited he nailed 95 copies of James’ own epistle to the Wittenberg church door, which in turn so upset the Pope that he left England in act of schism. As a result Henry VIII’s marriage failed on account of him getting divorced and chopping his ex-wives heads off (some fellows will do anything to avoid paying alimony), and the Communion we know, love, and are constantly threatening to leave, was born. But I’m too busy to tell you any more: read the story for yourself...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

My Durham Application.

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Personally I think the job's as good as mine.

Rekers' Vision Lives On!

Until now it must be noted that neither myself, nor my less orthodox imitators, nor any other of the servants of the ceaseless internet struggle to ensure salvation and grace are only made available to those who don’t need them, have mentioned the recent minor misunderstanding concerning “Mr. Family Values” George Rekers.

The silence has, of course, been entirely appropriate. Only an apostate liberal would find anything untoward about engaging one’s travel assistants through a site with a “Warning - Over 18’s Only” splash page, and even deigning to comment on the innuendo concerning Dr. Rekers’ recent vacation and intensive one-on-one evangelistic mission would lend the improbable falsehoods currently circulating a dignity they clearly do not deserve.

Nevertheless, it’s come to Bishop Quinine's and my attention that there are indeed a great many gullible rich bigots prosperous and faithful Biblical Christians who believe every word of Massage George’s statement concerning the current “misleading internet reports”, and we feel it would be remiss of my duty as the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior to not reach out to those supporters of Dr. Rekers feeling hurt by the reports circulating about a man they knew and loved (albeit in a different sense as certain young men).

Consequently I want to assure everyone who’s ever given money to support Professor Rekers or any of his shopfront “charities” that if they now redirect their offerings to me I will personally make certain the good work he has begun continues. Between myself, Bishop Quinine, and the other members of the St. Onuphrius’ ministry team, we will ensure every last cent we receive is spent perusing online images and profiles of attractive young people, meeting them in person, and letting them lift our luggage in which ever country the Spirit may see fit to lead us.

That’s right: Satan may have used his Scripture-denying serpents to bring down a mighty servant in the war against people seeking to live as God has made and loves them, but quicker than you can say “Viagra and two martinis please” another Biblical Leader has been raised up to stand (kneel/lie down/reverse cowboy) in his place, and My Beloved Sinners, that Leader is me!

So please, if like us you’ve been devastated by Dr. Rekers’ crucifixion, don’t let grief prevent you from continuing to support his vision. Send your money - all your money - to St. Onuphrius’ now before it’s too late for the young men and women to whom we are desperate to minister.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. As an exclusive deal for all those faithful conservatives who have in good faith accepted Dr. Reker’s explanation I also have an exceptional opportunity to invest in Florida real estate. “Everglades Eden” (formerly known as Itchworm Swamp) is a delightful area which, should health department regulations be someday amended to permit public access, will make a wonderful location in which to either retire, or build the vacation dream home you’ve always longed for – what parent doesn't want their children spending every summer fleeing ‘gators in knee-deep mud?. As a special gift the first 50 purchasers will also receive title to their very own bridge in Brooklyn…