Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bishop Mark Lawrence announces Nothing.

Can somebody out there please explain exactly what Bishop Mark Lawrence means by announcing that he and his Diocese of South Carolina will “begin withdrawing” from the Episcopal Church into which he was ordained, and by whom he was consecrated Bishop and given the pointy hat of which he’s clearly very proud?

I’ve read and re-read his convention address, but still can’t find much more in it than a collection of rather meandering anecdotes. While there’s no denying these prove he’s reasonably entertaining for a Bishop (it’s not as if the standard's very high), and the story he attributes to an anonymous Nun involving an angel kissing newborn infants on different parts of their anatomy certainly helps explain my childhood nickname of “Tripod”, none of these shed any light upon what +Lawrence intends to do other than to keep whining about God's love for people irrespective of their sexuality.

Nor does anyone here at St. Onuphrius’ have any idea. Consuella thinks the whole thing is just a ploy to stop little Rev. Steve “My dirty pants don’t stink” Wood (ever thought that maybe the only reason people didn’t complain about your stench was that good-old southern courtesy kept them from saying anything, hey Fr. Steve?) and his congregation from running off, although it does seem an awful lot of effort to go to in order to hang on to just one parish. After all, it’s not as if the hotel chambermaids are going to miss changing Rev. Wood’s sheets if he’s no longer a delegate to General Convention.

Evangelical Eric, on the other hand, thinks “this will be sending a tremendous message”, although like the conservative sites from which he’s stolen this cliché, he’s got no idea what that message is. Then again he’s still just miffed because I sold the pain-relievers he was prescribed after surgeons reattached his foot. While filling the parish Hummer I’d got talking to a couple of long-haul truckers who were having trouble sleeping at the end of a run, and dealing a little pastoral assistance was the least I could do; my foolish Curate still can’t get it into his head that being in ministry means not always putting oneself first: I'm beginning to fear he may be in some way related to the Ould family.

Meanwhile Bishop Quinine thinks the whole address was allegorical, and has found more hidden meanings than Dan Brown at a Shriner’s meeting. Personally I’ve got no problems accepting his theory when it comes to +Lawrence’s bit about squirrels running through hollow branches (read the address if you don’t know what I’m talking about) being a covert reference to something distinctly unhealthy involving gerbils, although what Bishop Quinine reads into the paragraph about some woman moving into a bedroom down the hall is too much for even Kendall Harmon to contemplate. Although I dare say David Virtue would be more than interested in buying the film rights.

Personally I think the most likely explanation is that +Lawrence is just trying to follow my example of sitting on the fence and playing everyone off against each other. It’s highly probable that he and Mrs. Lawrence like nothing more at the end of the day than to snuggle up to each other in bed and in the quiet of the evening meditate together upon my Sound Bible Teaching; and doubtless this is where His Grace discovered his new strategy of pretending to not really be part of the apostate liberal church hierarchy while still continuing to enjoy the perks and kudos associated with being a real Prelate, as opposed to just being one of countless pretend ones in a pretentious new sect operating out of Pittsburgh.

How long he’ll be able to keep fooling the ECUSA hierarchy in this way is another question. Playing off the ACNA crowd will be easy, since not only are none of them the brightest lanterns on the boardwalk (or else they wouldn’t have let little Bobby Duncan talk them into throwing away their vocations), but like any desperate huckster they’ll keep smiling and pretending to be friendly for as long as there’s even the faintest hope of making a sale. However the Presiding Bishop is made of smarter stuff, and if +Lawrence thinks he can keep her at bay for long by sticking his fingers in his ears and hiding with Teddy in the toy box he’s in for a very big surprise.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

To complicate matters !Lawrence will not permit St. Mark's in Port Royal to be a real part of the Episcopal Church. Apparently only fake missions will do.

Unknown said...

Good news!

South Carolina to Modify BCP Marriage Blessing"

Leonard said...

Then again he’s still just miffed because I sold the pain-relievers he was prescribed after surgeons reattached his foot.¨ FCT

This is one of the funniest things I´ve ever read...especially this morning as I howl with delight under the volcano thinking of the silly grandstanders Lawrence, Schofield and Duncan and how they keep themselves ¨high¨ on the sound of their own voices!

One wonders exactly when these fellars were dropped on their heads ...self-abusing, abusive and destructive trio...all gleefully exclude others in the name of a God whose Commands us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER...some praise, these diluted rascals offer up while strutting their overly gowned stuff!

It really ought be made into a movie or a Broadway show...oh, the possibilities for the chorus are vast!

Unknown said...

"indiscriminate inclusivity"...hmmm.

Akin to "indiscriminate kindness" and the like?

Anonymous said...

Thought you might be interested in seeing just how arrogant the ACNA has become. The following is a blog post by Bishop Council Nedd of the EMC:

"The following was in a fundraising letter that the ACNA has been sending out to anyone in the States who considers themsleves an Anglican, rather (sic) they have a church home or not:

"No Christian body in North America has the treasure of the Christian faith in a more accessible form than we do. No group of believers better understands how to put the timeless Gospel of Jesus Christ into pastoral action for the transformation of a broken world. No Church better knows the attractiveness of true community in congregational life, the community for which the young of this age long. No tradition has a stronger grasp of what worship can do to transport the faithful into the experience of heaven breaking in.""

TheraP said...


Wow, the humility! With all this going for them, who needs money???

Pfalz prophet said...

Leonardo, what would you name the show, The Producers and the Coneheads already being taken?

For several years, St. Michael's, Barrington, Illinois, had an [im]precision drill team called the "Marching Miters" in the local Independence Day parade. It got rave reviews because it was consciously self-deprecating, but the idea of self-parody struck me as appropriate for these three.

David G. said...

Dropped on their heads or dropping Acid? ... the latter is more likely!!

Lynn said...

Father Christian...your piece was clever enough that it made me go read Lawrence's address. I think the nun story is rather pithy, as in "kiss my what?"

This is a rather coherent bit of writing for Lawrence. I recall his ramblings afer Lambeth were rather odd. His comments after GC were just distortions. At least this time he provided some amusement and transition between paragraphs.

Unknown said...

I think the bishop is taking rambling speech lessons from that other Mark who is the governor.