Wednesday, October 21, 2009

An emergency call regarding a large balloon.

Hello, you’ve called 911. How may I help you?

Please…you’ve got to help! The balloon... it was tethered, but it ’s lifted off… and they’re all inside. Help!!

Ok Sir – can you tell me your name please?

I’m His Holiness the Most Venerable Primate of the Province of the Anglican Church of North America, His Grace the Ineffable Reverend Robert William Duncan, Defender of the Orthodox not Part of Some Previously Communist Foreign Place, International Scourge of Homosexualists, Pinup Boy of Smooth-Faced Schismatics in Binghamton, Global Inspiration and Savior of…

Uh-uh – you’re who?

The guy with the funny eyebrows who used to be Bishop of Pittsburgh.

Oh right – him. And how can we assist you?

I’d built a balloon... It was supposed to carry a whole bunch of Newman impersonators lacking his integrity, insight and intelligence away from Anglicanism, and into my sect. But it’s taken off too early… and I think they’re all onboard.

Right… I see… Where are they at present?

Somewhere lost in the clouds. Probably all headed for Rome!

Ummm.. Sir? They’re headed where?

I told you, ROME! It's full of hot air and it was supposed to carry them to me, but it’s taken off too early AND THEY’RE ALL INSIDE!!

Can you see this balloon at present Sir?

Little Jack Iker thinks he can. He’s sent a message warning them against making any “hasty decisions or quick resolutions” to land without considering the ramifications… but he’s no longer in a position that anyone takes seriously. Besides, as far as thhe Vatican’s concerned he’s just another layman. The Forward in Faith boys were going to bring them all here, but…

Excuse me Sir, but I’m having problems understanding this. Are you sure all these people are actually onboard this balloon? Emergency services have already been notified, Sir, but I need to check these people are not just all hiding in the basement, or…

OF COURSE they’re not in the basement!!! Please!!!!! I’m from ACNA – not some pathetic reality show!!!

…or have you looked for them in the closet?


…Sir? Are you there? ... Is anyone still on the line?...

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Boaz said...

The GAFCON shonks blew a right fuse
When they stumbled upon the bad news.
"Jezz, that Benny's a turd,
He wants to steal half our herd.
And to think all the silver we'll lose!"

Anonymous said...

I am unable to accept that Mr Duncan's "Church" is anything but a giant hoax. No one could accommodate so many bigots in one small balloon. Such primitive modes of transport - filled with hot air - were common during Hitler's Third Reich. It has been proved again that a wobbly air-ship can be burst by one tiny German prick.

Lapinbizarre said...

Benny may have done XDuncan a big favor. Dissonance between the Evangelicals and ACs in ACNA and in GAFCON were already obvious.

Anonymous said...

You know, if the Pentecostals form some sort of Anglican Rite outfit, old Eyebrows Duncan will lose the other half of his "church."

Leonard said...

Goodgrief ++Duncan Pitts, of swoopteedee eyebrows fame, is going to be fighting off the claim to the prearranged arraignment, forever and ever, retirement house...what will become of all that mischiefmaking that went down the drain, when all those gents in tall hats and twist and shout bankers no longer remember his name?

¨Duncan, who, on two?¨

susan s. said...

I adore every spittle flecked word from you lips, dear Father Troll.

Fr Craig said...

Boaz, what school did you go to to learn such limerick skill? I am so envious. Fr. C, this was brilliant.

Boaz said...

Fr Craig

Let me assure you, anyone can do it. And best of all... it's fun!