Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Eat Da Email (Martin Ssempa & me)

From the the moment I first heard the delightful little Martin Ssempa demonstrating the peaceful and rational expository for which Ugandan Biblical Conservatives are now famous I knew we needed to invite him to head the lineup at this years St. Onuphrius’ Conference. Indeed, when I suggested Ssempa’s name to my Ministry Team, Bishop Quinine became positively incontinent with excitement, begging me to do everything within my power to get the man now known around the world as “Mr. Eat Da Poo Poo” to appear as our star speaker. Or to at least send his famous audio-visual presentation for closer study.

After emailing an invitation to I was disappointed to hear nothing for several weeks, and sent the following courteous reminder:
Dear Pastor Ssempa

It has been over a week since I contacted you, and still we have not as yet received any response. Should you be for whatever reason unable to accept our offer it would be appreciated if you or one of your staff could at least have the courtesy to let us know.

Yours in Christ,
Father Christian
Another week passed, and then this arrived - reproduced here verbatim:
Dear Father Christian,

Salutations to all those at Ichabod springs who are thirsty for a word from Pr. Ssempa.

We note your invitation which came with promises of money and much publicity. This is exactly how the devil tempted Jesus with offers of money and much publicity in Matt 4.9 .It is self evident there is a lot of carnality in your way of thinking.

We ask that you ask you parishioners to read 1 Samuel 1-3. Please Father Christian order all the your parishioners to go into a time of prayer and fasting (see book of Ester) for 40 days then please write back to us. Also read Rev 2 and 3 for a message on your condition.

Repent and be saved.

Pr. Dr. Martin Ssempa
Now mingling in the upper-echelons of Christian Conservativism has given me vast experience in dealing with the jumpy and paranoid, but even so I am at a complete loss to explain how he arrived at Matthew 4:9 in response to my original assurance that St. Onuphrius’ would pay for his flight. After all, it’s not as if we offered to fly him in Akinola-class, nor to foot the bill for a cute young luggage-lifter to join him.

My initial reaction was to respond with a gentle caution that the foolish little copraphage should start taking Leviticus 19:32 as literally as he takes other parts of Scripture lest he discover there are worse leaders to annoy than Rick Warren, but Consuella persuaded me to put my machete away and calm down. “After all”, she said, “perhaps there’s just a little cultural misunderstanding going on here.”

So heeding her advice, I wrote another polite letter reassuring Twitchy Martin that we had absolutely no intention of offering all the riches in the world in return for him bowing down before us in worship (an image which, I’m sorry to say, my Curate obviously found arousing). Indeed, I was so courteous that I didn’t even mention that in leaving the “h” out of Esther he had clearly omitted something from the text of Scripture, and as such Revelation 22:19 makes it quite clear he has been dammed in perpetuity. No, I was gracious and friendly – something his response several days later shows he most certainly didn’t deserve:
Dear Mr. Troll and the Ichabodites

I regret to inform you again that your invitation has been rejected with the scorn it truly deserves. I ask that you dont write to me again as it will constitute an unwanted harrassment.

Yours Sincerely,

Martin Ssempa PhD
What could I say?
Layman Ssempa

The St. Onuphrius' Ministry Team, Wardens, and Congregation, are bewildered by your rudeness. Have you recently eaten something unpleasant?

Fr. Rev. Dr. Christian Troll PhD

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Leonard said...

One wonders if his America wifey helped translate your messages and screwed up...bleach as you know kills brain cels.

Anonymous said...

Dear Father,
I see in wikipedia that eating da poo poo may help save the planet. Some animal faeces, especially those of the camel, bison and cow, is used as fuel when dried out. Next time you write to Mr Ssempa could you ask him to send me a large quantity of poo. My car is very epensive to run.

Anonymous said...

What a brilliant reverse scam!

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Calamity Jane said...

Talking about a reverse scam...
I didn't see Sydney Anglicans posting anything on their news flashes about this boy who committed suicide due to homophobic taunts in high school.

Doorman-Priest said...

I enjoyed "Eating da poo poo." (So to speak). I think there is a plagiarism issue here as I first heard it as Portugal's Eurovision Song Contest enrty in 1983.

Boaz said...

Have you seen the 'Eat Da Cosby Poo Poo'? It's a real hoot. Best of 'em all in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Leonardo, do YOU fist? Or rim?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Leonardo: I believe that could be what little Brad considers to be a pick-up line. Play your cards right and you'll never need fear spending a lonely night in Rhode Island without someone to harangue you about vestments.

gayuganda said...

Oh gosh,

ha ha ha ha

this has made my day. Really, truly.

And, my bet is that dear anon is none other that Ps. Dr. Martin'eat da poo poo' Ssempa.
Kind of his style when err, pertubed...!

ha ha ha!

Quidra said...

all u people are wrong about this. but if you think you can tarnish pr. Martin's reputation, you have got it wrong. and watch out because our Lord is watching. you may cover your self with titles as fathers but stop taking your flock astray. do not mess with Pr. Martin for trouble awaits you. so watch out.