Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Last drinks for big Pete.

Dearly Beloved Sinners; I’ve just realised we’re more than halfway through August, and the clock is ticking on the greatest African Clergyman in history. And no, I’m not talking about little Matt Kennedy, but a real African: big Pete Akinola.

Contrary to what most people believe, the Church of Nigeria is not ruled by primatial fiat, but does indeed have a constitution. Which specifically states that the longest any one man is allowed to wear the biggest hat in Abuja is ten years, and that his successor must be elected no less than three months before the previous incumbent shuffles off to enjoy the fruits of his previous decade’s reign.

This means that the Glorious Global Schism has at most four months left to enjoy the balanced, selfless leadership we’ve grown to know and love – providing, of course, big Pete doesn’t find a convenient loophole allowing him to continue in some ‘advisory’ capacity. After all, if Kim Il-sung can remain ‘Eternal President’ of North Korea despite the minor inconvenience of having died fifteen years ago, there’s got to be some way of keeping big Pete on the throne.

What’s more, thanks to ++Akinola’s impressive vision for growth the numbers now are certainly stacked in his favor. When first appointed to enjoy a little rumpy-pumpy in the Bishop’s Court bedroom, in 2000, the Church of Nigeria comprised just 79 dioceses: the figure today is 159. Sure, some of them have more in common with The Sopranos than with Anglican Tradition (anyone fancy a parish in Okigwe-North?), but that’s neither here nor there when it comes to calling in favors from all the ambitious young gentlemen you gave a leg-up on their ascent to the prelacy. Consequently my prediction is that as an expression of their gratitude big Pete will be invited to continue as overseer of CANA.

After all, a nice mansion in Virginia would be the ideal base from which to continue basking in the limelight to which he has grown accustomed, while at the same time allowing his successor enough distance to begin indulging his own predilection for expensive automobiles: it would make for a classic win-win situation. Providing, of course, you’re not Martyn Minns or Bobby Duncan – but it’s a bit late in the day to start worrying on their behalf. They made their bed; they’ve nobody but themselves to blame if they find themselves having to share it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Pete said...

At the Diocese of San Joaquin convention in December 2007 before the final vote to leave the Episcopal Church, soon to be Mr. Schofield warned that if they did not vote to leave the Episcopal church he would no longer be able to be their Bishop in a few years when he reached mandatory retirement at age 72.

I suppose some sort of constitutional convention will surely be called to prevent Big Pete Akinola from having to turn over the keys to the "S" class Mercedes.

Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

"not ruled by primatial fiat"

I used to hae a fiat, it was a 124 spyder. Great car. So why do you suppose, if he has primatial fiat he needs a Mercedes?

Just asking don't cha know.

Brother David said...

Pete, your namesake, Big Pete is already living on borrowed time. He reached the mandatory age for retirement from active episcopacy in the Church of Nigeria a year or so ago. But the College of Bishops of the CoN asked that he fulfill his decade as primate before retiring. So I am sure that there are younger men who are chaffing the bit waiting and anxiously expecting him to go to pasture.

Lapinbizarre said...

Then, Pete, David Mercer Schofield "joined" the Province of the Southern Cone. Which also has tenure restrictions. One of which limits officers, Presiding Bishop included, to two consecutive terms of office. Venables is now in his third consecutive term as PB.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't Akinola be a curate in Ichabod Springs? He could drive you round in his Mercedes, Father.

June Butler said...

FWIW, I don't see a mansion in Virginia in Big Pete's future.

Lynn said...

I don't see Akinola in Virginia, either - at least not in Northern Virginia, home of CANA strongholds Truro, The Falls and their mission plants. Too expensive for a mansion in this area, no question.

It was nice to read that many think there is no politicking in Nigeria's archbishop election.

Leonard said...

Oh mercy me. I think Akinola would do REAL WELL in a mansion built on the property of Christ Church Plano, Texas (formerly in the Diocese of Dallas)...I´m certain they´ll be happy to move him right in, sign him right up, follow his wisdom(s)...they are such a happyclappy, screw the rules lot...Akinola can preside over ALL OF TEXAS (borders mean nothing to him).

JimB said...

The CANA possibility is interesting. I wonder if the State department would be willing to issue a residency visa so someone with so much Moslem blood on his doorstep?

I personally think a great idea would be for him to go to England and work on a homophobic Nigerian mission there. I would contribute!