Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Orange Laughter

Young Brother Richthofen just popped in for a visit, and to cheer me up read some of the most hilarious things ever found on the internet. It seems he’s been following the recent trouble in Dumbarton, and in an effort to get a better understanding of things followed the problem back to its source – or at least one of the sources, given that both Satan and innate stupidity also deserve credit. And where he ended up was the Grand Orange Lodge of Ireland.

Now to be perfectly honest these past few days laughing hasn’t been foremost on my mind; it's been one of those times when trivial predilections like breathing assume a disproportionate importance. Still, thanks to your prayers, the altruistic pharmacists at Roche who gave the world Tamiflu (not to mention every Republican frat boys’ first-date essential, Rohypnol), and the kind of medical care that Obama diabolically feels should be available to anyone, regardless of whether or not they’ve had the foresight to be born wealthy, WASP and beloved by god, I’m already feeling much better. And while I had been a little despondent at my doctor’s advice to wait at least another week before resuming the Freestyle Motocross training I’d just commenced (one can only do so many BASE Jumps before the endless equipment checks become tedious), Brother Richtofen’s discoveries on the Orange Lodge web site have certainly brightened my morning.

Take this one, for example:
“The Orange Institution is a Christian organisation… It is Christ-centred, Bible-based, Church-grounded.”
Or how about the handy “In Your Pocket Guide to Orangeism”? With this little gem by your side you’ll never again find yourself lost for words in a sectarian argument – although I’d recommend you keep it in your jacket pocket, not your trousers. You wouldn’t want to catch anything nasty down there, and the voices of Orangeism aren’t used to that degree of proximity to anyone’s personals.

The most inspiring, however, is this:
“When brethren in Togo, which has a strong Orange movement...”
Just when it had begun to look like the trade in bigotry and religious hatred between Africa and the west was all one way...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Raspberry Rabbit said...

Good to see you back on your feet. Those of us who are a few decades younger than yourself are obliged to admit that were (momentarily) thrilled by the possibility of a spare mantle lying around had you been whisked off into heaven leaving nothing but the a cloud of dust and the smell of cheap whiskey.

Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...


Isn't that hte place where one can get a sandwich or something?

Leonard said...

AS simply EVERYONE knows dear Fred, Tigo is a warm breakfast drinklike substance used on the Moon, Space Stations and small rural villages...it is most appreciated when one is starving to death or about to freeze.

Dearest Dr. Troll, praise to Ludwig and Phagonia that you are all chipper and pinklink again...you had us fixated in fear for a day or so.

Марко Фризия said...

Your Eastern European fan base is delighted with your recovery. We will gratefully recite an akathist or kontakion on your behalf. I think the Orange Order crowd will die out eventually. It doesn't look like the Orangeists are arousing much enthusiasm among young folks. Actually, they don't look like they are arounsing much of anything. And I suppose that pensioners do need some sort of hobby (but they should take up something more benign and ecumenical like fly fishing or forming a kazoo band). Maybe we can start a tolerant-progressive order... something along the lines of the "Shades of Gray Order." So glad you are well and back to teaching the Bible. Um, didn't King William III die from an equine-related accident?

MadPriest said...

I didn't realise that Rohypnol is effective as an anti-flu treatment. But as it has proved efficacious in your own recovery I will be adding it to my archbishops' recommendations to my congregation concerning what to do in the event of an outbreak of swine flu.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Best of all is to administer it to your Bishop when called in for one of the inevitable "Please explain" interviews. Discreetly slip an appropriate dose into his tea or coffee when he's not looking, and a few minutes later he'll sign anything you ask him to, before falling into the soundest sleep he's enjoyed in years.

Afterwards, you simply tip-toe out past his amazed secretary (the one whom just couldn't wait to see you sacked), waving your newly renewed license and the appointment to that cushy job you've had your eye on for years.

Or else you keep trying to rouse him, while feigning complete outrage that your Prelate doesn't even have the courtesy to stay awake for a meeting on which your entire ministry depends. Insist that this might well be the result of a drinking problem, or early-onset Alzheimer's, and that clearly the pressure of his position is getting too much for him. You can guarantee that he and his minders will be so desperate to keep you from spreading news of his "condition" that they'll give you whatever you ask for.

MadPriest said...

Thank you, Father.

I hope you don't mind, but I've passed your response on to a friend in the Durham Diocese. Their need is greater and all that.

MadPriest said...

By the way, Father, you have, no doubt, in your academic studies, come across the medieval, transgender saint, Julian of Norwich. A fine example to all us struggling ministers of the Lord. She gained A list celebrity status and a meal ticket for life by publishing a paperback of the "visions" she received whilst suffering from a nasty bout of swine plague.

I assume our Lord took advantage of your recent near death experience to give you a whole load of instructions. I also assume that he did not subject you to the touchy feely nonsense he sent Julian's way but gave you more practical advise about church management and finances etc.

I await the publication of your revelations in due course.

candycane said...

Forgive me, this is absolutely, totally off-topic.

Fr. Christian, please file this link away for a time that it might prove useful. This could be most instructive for Anglicans who believe we have the corner on the market for church backbiting, corruption, and generally un-Christ-like behaviour.

The next time Anglicanist schismatics (and especially their "5th Column" within TEC) start peddling the imminent collapse of TEC, or that Episcopalians are leaving in DROVES for places gay-free and doctrinally puritan - let em (once again) chew over the flagship of American big 'O' Orthodoxy's mess (to put it rather primly):


Was it 2 million or 1 million or was it 1/4 million or is it really 40,000 or 30,000? Follow the bouncing membership ball.

<< "hat-tip" to Jay - who ought to know. >>

Please resume regularly scheduled commenting.

IT said...

I'm glad to see Fr Christian is on the road to recovery. There seem to be a number of events that require his attention and insight rather urgently....!

Anonymous said...

Fr. David Heron has disappeared!

Could it be that Prostate Pete is holding him captive somewhere in Sydney, probing his nether regions?