Friday, May 23, 2008

The People Rejoice!

Our time of congregational repentance is over! In accordance with the Scriptures my Ministry Team and Domestic Staff are no longer required to fast, and to mark the occasion I have announced an Evening of Celebration.

Just as Rahab the Harlot proved to be the cause of Israel’s blessing (Joshua 6:25), so too in this instance has our joy come from a woman of foreign heritage; my chamber-maid in accordance with 1 Kings 1-3.

The circumstances of her righteous deed are straightforward, but a splendid example of how Orthodox Bible Teaching can transform even a foreign heathen into a creature of service to the Church. After conducting today’s moving funeral ceremony, during which I was filmed by not just one but three major network news crews while appearing to console the families of the mysteriously demised brats, whom were suitably dispatched in accordance with the appropriate liturgy (in the course of which, I must say, my new Vestments appeared truly splendid), the St. Onuphrius’ parish provided refreshments for the mourners, thereby giving me an opportunity to work the crowd of assembled media and community leaders.

While serving coffee young Consuella chanced to overhear our Chief of Police mention to a reporter that tracks near where the children’s remains were found had been identified as belonging to a Hummer. Consequently he explained that tires of all such vehicles registered in our area would soon be examined in the hope of finding a match. Without so much as breathing what she had heard to a soul present, the lass (doubtless acting under spiritual guidance) excused herself, and contacted a member of her family – a fine Hispanic businessman actively supportive of my short-term ministry activities in his otherwise pagan equatorial land of birth.

Again with complete confidentiality Consuella and her relative arranged for my car’s wheels to be exchanged with those of a particularly loathsome local planning official who just so happens to have a vehicle similar to mine, and who not only happens to have in the past opposed my enlightened vision to develop affordable housing for senior citizens (Who says old people can’t live happily in crates??!!!), but whom also happens to be a Baptist!

Once the exchange was completed Consuella quietly informed me of everything, enabling me to take the initiative of loudly announcing that since it was rumoured this heinous act may have involved someone driving that finest of automobiles, the Hummer, we as a community should call for the Police inspect all such vehicles known to have been in the district at that time. Further, as an example to Bible-believing Christians with nothing to fear everywhere, I insisted that mine be examined first.

Naturally everyone applauded my commitment to justice, and the Police forensic team quickly pronounced my vehicle clear before moving to inspect all other such machines in the neighbourhood. Later in the day it was announced that “a man is being questioned in relation to the matter”, followed by the news that this “man” had been charged with the crime. Naturally credit for the initiative leading to his arrest was given to none other than myself, the Episcopalian/Anglican world’s greatest Doctrinal Warrior.

Just as Israel celebrated after their adversary’s defeat (Esther 9:22), as an obedient scholar of the Word I recognized the Biblical imperative to invite Consuella and the congregation to rejoice in justice having befallen one who in the past opposed the Lord’s anointed. To be on the safe side I shall also make sure Consuella’s wage is increased to that of a double portion in accordance with Isaiah 61:7 One simply can’t be too prudent in these matters.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

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