Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Peter Ould: Theology from Evangelicalism's Prostate.

There’s no denying Prostate Pete is a tricky little fellow. A few days ago the world’s most outspoken evangelical advocate of bum play published a post which quite cleverly managed to draw a distinction between Justice and Jesus.

Naturally the real thrust (sincerest apologies to anyone whom stumbles as a result of my using that word in this context) of the little Rev. Prostate’s post was about homosexualists daring to enjoy the rich blessings of the life God has given them. So to be honest it was pretty much the same as all his other posts, but as every Reasserter knows, it’s quantity not quality that matters when arguing theology. This notwithstanding, however, let's not lose sight of the fact that the notion that Our Lord is not synonymous with justice strikes is a truly marvellous development for Gafconeers everywhere.

Certainly, we've all paid lip-service to the idea of justice being integral to Christianity for years, but thanks to Peter Ould we can now be free of the pretense entirely. All those terrible mistakes in the Infallible Scriptures about caring for the poor, the weak, and the vulnerable, can be discarded in an instant: all we need to say is that “we’re about Jesus – not justice” when confronted by some sordid and petty affair involving suffering and someone unimportant, and our hands can be washed as clean as Pilate’s.

In keeping with the spirit of his theological initiative, little Prostate has also decided he doesn’t need to care about anyone else’s opinion. As I write this his site's front page shows he's received 20 comments to this post, but clicking on the link miraculously renders them all invisible! This is a pity, because yesterday, when those not part of Petey’s inner circle (notice I didn’t use the word ring here – never say I don’t have any compassion for my post-gay brethren) could still read the comments there were not only a number of insightful remarks from a Dearly Beloved Sinner, but Petey's responses were an absolute education in evangelical thought. My favourite was “I just have absolutely no idea where you’re coming from with all this.”, uttered in response to a straightforward outline of the traditional Christian belief in Jesus as the personification of justice. This sort of insight shows just how well Petey’s already practicing what he’s started preaching, although I’ve got to admit it does suggest standards at British evangelical seminaries have fallen even lower than we feared.

The most beautifully self-obsessed quote, however, is still on display to anyone interested in reading far enough into the piece to find it:
Despite this, my homosexuality was never a bar to ordination and never a hindrance to being a fully baptised member of the church and one privileged to administer its sacraments.
I wonder if Prostate Pete thinks Archbishop Jensen would have seen things this way had it been him and not his twin Dobby who sought ordination in Sydney?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS: A few hours after posting this homily our little double-minded friend turned his comments back on, although most people daring to question him (The impudence! Petey's been ordained for more than a year now, so how can anyone have the nerve to presume he doesn't know everything???) are finding their comments censored in a fit of prostate-fueled pique.

In accordance with the conservative principle of always placing oneself at the center of every conversation he's also trying hard to shift to the question of how much time a dearly beloved sinner thinks Petey spends in daily Bible study. For someone who's obviously more than a little obsessed with you-know-what it's not a bad attempt at side-stepping, although it would be far more convincing if the Prince of Prostate-pleasure could demonstrate he has actually glanced at more than a few proof-texts from Leviticus: regardless of how much time he devotes to gazing at a beloved Schofield Reference it's obvious it isn't what one might call 'quality comprehension time'.


Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Troll
Remove this post immediately or I shall sue in the State of California and the Russian Federation. Reading it has made me feel quite sick.

david virtue's bountiful bosom said...

standards at British evangelical seminaries have fallen even lower than we feared.

Evangelical clergy go to seminary?

Unknown said...

Where else may Christians gaily troll but in evangelical seminaries?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Good point DVBB - I believe they prefer to call them "Bible Colleges" because their time in these propaganda camps is spent trying to teach the Bible to conform to their presuppositions.

Brother David said...

There are two types of seminaries in the world: 1) those that equip their students with the tools to actually do theology, regardless of the personal theology they may develop with these tools, and 2) those that have a complete theology defined in stone and agreed to beforehand by the student as a requirement for admission, which is then spoon fed to the students until they can recite it back chapter and verse; they only verses that they know.

Anonymous said...

Did Prostate Pete learn the erotic secrets of that most mysterious organ while he was in Bible college?

david virtue's bountiful bosom said...

If Parson Ould leaves the church because of his love of backdoor shenanigans, will that make him an aprostate?

poppy tupper said...

Once again, a great site has disappeared. does anyone know what has happened to Unthinking Anglicans?

Anonymous said...

perhaps, once again, Father Heron was not told by his bishop that what he was doing was wrong.

Anonymous said...

Is no one safe from Prostate Pete and the Prude Patrol?