Saturday, October 17, 2009

Archbishop Jensen didn't lose $100 million after all!

From the moment I first heard allegations that little Archbishop Peter Jensen and his band of merry relatives had managed to squander a mere $100 million I knew there was more to the story than everyone was letting on. After all, these are the creative geniuses who claim lay presidency is an expression of historical Anglicanism, and who accuse the rest of the church of heterodoxy while themselves embracing a doctrine of the Trinity which would have warmed the very cockles of old Arius’ heart.

Consequently when I saw the Jensen family house-elf Dobby Ould starting a new puff-piece at Viagraville about how the Sydney ‘Anglican’ diocese isn’t really like the Third Reich (of course it isn’t – Hitler never gave all the top jobs to his close relatives!) and that the Jensenistas actually have a very positive view of women’s ministry (providing, of course, that this ministry is unpaid and involves producing plenty of babies in a life of utter servitude), I knew something was afoot.

A few days later, when Lord Volderjensen permitted Dobby to make another post regarding the liberatingingly inferior position bestowed upon women in the Diocese of Mordor, despite the house-elf’s first effort having been torn to shreds by the more liberal Viagravillains (i.e. any who believe it acceptable for female children to learn how to read), it became clear +Sydney is serious about distracting folks away from more interesting matters. Sure enough, thanks to a truly disgraceful Beloved Sinner currently trapped in the land that theology forgot, I’ve discovered why: Little Peter Jensen never lost $100 million after all!!!!.

That’s right: the whole thing was just a disgraceful falsehood designed to besmirch our favorite pseudo-primate: Archbishop Jensen and the Sydney Anglican Diocese actually lost $160 million!!!! - a full 55.4 million greenbacks more than all the apostate liberal doubting-Thomases originally thought him capable of irresponsibly wasting. Forget the paltry figures earlier bandied around: the real figures in in the local media shows how well Anglicanism’s funniest fundamentalists run their own affairs – never mind everyone else’s.

The best quote of the whole affair, however comes from dear little Bishop Falstaff: the man who would have won the race to wear the Sydney Archbishop’s business suit if only his closest friends hadn’t spilled the beans when it came to the pre-election character analysis (my contacts among the Beloved Sinners of Sydney tell me everything!). This fine Calvinist hate-monger by day and bon vivant slumlord by night (who must never be allowed out on the town with Bishop Quinine), can always be relied to bring a smile (or at very least a grimace) to everyone’s face, and on this occasion he summed things up wonderfully:
''We can't work harder but we have to work wiser, more disciplined and more prayerfully.''
Coming from someone whose idea of “hard work” involves attending a wine-tasting I can’t imagine what he's threatening by announcing life in Jensenland is going to be “more disciplined”, but you’d better believe Dobby and the other house-elfs are worried it’s going to leave scars.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

There's no point in being an extremist who loses a SMALL amount of money by reckless gambling. Sydney Calvinists do not believe in betting a little bit of money. To be a religious fanatic, it is necessary to gamble a HUGE amount to show one's faith in the Lord. It is only after losing everything that Jensenites can preach to the rest of us about the wickedness of wealth.

Boaz said...

In their monthly newspaper, Southern Cross, they reasurred the faithful that they had not been involved in anything as crass as "margin lending".

No, it was worse than that! With margin lending the banks make you progressively sell down your shares so you don't lose their money. But it seems they borrowed from the banks, magnified their losses, (the banks didn't care) rode the sharemarket all the way down to the bottom, and then, with the market sitting on a rocket they panicked and sold just before the rocket took off.

Still, no doubt they prayed about it. What does that tell you?

They'll be soon back to "Bible Teaching" about the evils of greed and other lower class sins like gambling and using money that you don't have...blah blah

JimB said...

I suppose one can look at the magnitude of the losses and recall the comment widely attributed to Stalin about the difference between a person who kills one man and a person who kills hundreds of thousands. One is a murdered, the other a statesman.

Jims Thoughts shameless ad ;-)

Gregory said...

Your uncharitable attack on the Communion of Saints in Sydney misses the important theological point: the Archdiocese has wonderfully demonstrated its true Christian spirit by not placing its trust in earthly treasure. The worldly losses were not due to incompetence or stupidity but (although The Jensens Inc are too modest to disclose this)were a deliberate demonstration - involving years of careful planning and preparation - of their rejection of worldliness and mammon. A truly imaginative and powerful evangelical technique! Many will be touched by such sacrifice.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Ahh yes - touched indeed. Especially in their hip-pocket.

June Butler said...

The puff piece by Dobby Ould and the comments that follow are funnier than your blog post, Fr Christian. I can't stop laughing. Perhaps you may want to rethink that link. I'm fearful of clicking on "another post" lest I die laughing.

Elizabeth said...

Grandmere, you have much more patience for nonsense than I!!! I only got through about half the comments before I threw in the towel. I wonder that house-elf ever got through all that wondrous academic and vocational training.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Dare I say that the house-elf is a living testimony to just how wonderful the vocational and acedemic training given to Jensen serfs really is?

MadPriest said...

Before I sign up to anything I need to know if their theology allows woman to do the disciplining. If the answer is yes I may well be interested.

Ellie Finlay said...

Oh, MadPriest. You are perfectly dreadful!

Fr Craig said...

Fr C - I've been waiting for your comments on this. Surely this is just a new method of promoting the annual stewardship appeal? After all, the evil of the greedy markets has been made apparent - thus, the faithful need to dig deeper into their pockets to give back to God all that the Devil has stolen. At least, that's the line I'm using here where our fat endowment is still down 30%... Poor Bp Jensen... hoist on his own petard... but, it's the devil's fault, not his.

Paul (A.) said...

Harvard University has them beat by a long shot.