Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Advice Regarding Bishops

Last year my parish proudly and unashamedly re-aligned with The Most Reverend Gregory James Venables and the Diocese of the Southern Cone. Having had enough of the gross immorality and incompetence of so-called leaders who not only refuse to believe the Bible, but who instead make a mockery of all that Christians have traditionally held dear and sacred, we were left with no alternative but to follow the Truth of Scripture and shift our allegiance.

At the same time, of course, I have been careful to not do anything to risk being ordered to surrender my church properties. Exposing oneself to that sort of danger is simply ridiculous. Consequently I’ve never openly claimed to have left my original diocese – and never put anything remotely implying such a thing in writing. Indeed, upon seeing my faithfulness to the church’s historic via media amazed and admiring clergy can only ask “But Father Christian – how do you cope with having two Bishops? Isn’t one bad enough?”

This question only betrays their sorry ignorance of Scripture, for clearly ”no man can serve two masters”(Matthew 6:24). Neither would I even attempt such a folly. At St. Onuphrius’s we diligently only recognise the authority of one Bishop at a time.

Since our worldly, liberal local Bishop is a stressed and easily intimidated man it makes perfect sense to keep him available for those occasions when he can be useful. When it comes to adding color to community events, or making a really big impression at society weddings, nothing adds a sense of gravitas like a well-trained Bishop telling everyone what a wonderful Priest you are. What’s more, because your original bishop isn't a foreigner there's no risk of him embarrasing you by speaking with an accent.

On the other hand, an alternate Bishop living thousands of miles away lets one dispense with so many annoying little nuisances of parish administration, since it removes the need to seek the Bishop’s permission before developing or selling church property, or rewarding oneself with a much-needed Sabbatical. Someone on the other side of the world is far too busy to care about such trifling matters. Besides, until all this excitement came about it’s unlikely his See consisted of more then twenty goat-herd families and a large garden full of chickens. Thanks to you he’s now enjoying more prestige and attention than he’d previously ever dreamed possible, so there isn’t the slightest risk of him upsetting the source of his new-found importance by questioning you about anything. He may be a Bishop, but he’s not so foolish he can’t realise that since you’ve jumped ship once there’s no reason you won’t jump again. And then who’s going to pay for all those first-class flights?

Finally, having two Bishops lets you simply answer “the Bishop requested it” to any thing your annoying parish busy-body asks ( every parish has one – even St. Onuphrius’), and then leave them to work out for themselves which Bishop you’re talking about. Since neither is talking to the other there’s no risk of them comparing notes, so if they take the trouble to check with both you can simply accuse whichever Bishop the busy-body dislikes more of lying and be confident they'll believe you, since they'll be delighted to have "proof" of the "other side" acting dishonestly. Which will leave you free to continue ruling as master of your own domain.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Boaz said...

You are truly a wise man of God, Father Christian.

I also admire the way you are Biblical-based. You use the Bible to prove your points so I know that what you say is from God.

Thank you.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Mighty words indeed from one raised in such a Bible-focused diocese as that of Sydney Australia. Well done good and faithful servant.(Matther 25:23)

Were you at St. Onuphrius' I should have no hesitiation in finding that that Bible exempts you and your family from all non-voluntary fasting.

Gray Wolf said...

Dear Father Christian,
I truly must commend you. Were you a lesser man, I might have surmised that your unwillingness to publicly announce your leaving dear mother church and venturing abroad, so to speak, had to do with your pension and retirement. However, I can see from your comments, Reverend Sir, that you are far above those mundane concerns and that your head is firmly planted in your bible.