Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ask and You May Receive

I may be the True Voice of Global Anglican Orthodoxy, but I am also a humble parish Priest deeply interested in the sin of other people’s lives. Just because someone isn’t a member of St. Onuphrius’ doesn’t mean I don’t find their weaknesses profoundly revolting, and even though many of you live far from Ichabod Springs doesn’t mean I have no desire to rebuke each and every one of your weaknesses.

This Pastoral Heart is at the center of all which drives the GAFCON movement. Unless people are taught the Bible correctly there is no way an omnipotent god can be capable of bringing them to repentance, nor of forcing them to change their erroneous ways. That’s why it’s so crucial that Teachers like me reach as many people as possible: god needs us to do what he can’t accomplish.

To help this I’ve introduced a new feature: the colorful “Ask Father Christian” button on the right. Whatever your question, however shameful and disgusting the error into which you have fallen, simply click it and send me an email outlining the dilemma or heresy under which you labor, and the World’s Greatest Bible-teacher himself will correct you. It’s almost as if you were able to shake my hand at the door of St. Onuphrius for yourself on a Sunday morning – but even better since there’s no chance of my being soiled by us touching..

Still, please don’t think you’ll be entitled to the same care as those who actually support the ministry of St. Onuphrius in monetary terms. Given my busy schedule it may take a while to address your issues, and no correspondence will be entered into with anyone unwilling to heed my valuable advice. Think of this as not so much evidence of my caring as proof of my desire to appear to care. Which is still doubtless much more than you’ll ever receive from the mamby-pamby liberals hell-bent on tearing our church in two.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

What, my good man, is the meaning of this:



Boaz said...

I have been loitering here at your blog for hours. I click on the "Ask Father Christian" sign but the truth is I am too ashamed to send my question.

Perhaps I should ask it here.

When our Bible study leader is making long prayers and thinking up new things to pray about, is it sinful to find one's thoughts wandering and wishing the prayer meeting would end so that I could join the others (I confess, join the girls) over at supper in the hall?

I fear I may be going to hell over this one.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Archdeacon - purely a simply case of mistaken identity I assure you. Personally I believe this whole thing is a ploy the notorious Friends-Of-Sodomites-and-Sinners who frequent that murky corner of the web upon which you appear to have stumbled, and using their notorious Photoemporium skills they are jealously seeking to besmirch my good name - thereby vainly hoping to destroy the very heart of GAFCON himself.

Incidentally my esteemed Archdeacon, you don't often visit that notorious site, do you? Far be it from me to question one of your position in the church, but is our Bishop aware of your interest in such places? Is he aware that it has been told to me in strictest confidence by persons whom I shall not name that you are known to linger upon such parts of the internet with alarming frequency?

If I may be so presumptious to make a suggestion to one of your experience, I believe it might be in both of our interests - as well, of course, in accordance with Scripture - for neither of us to mention this matter again. At the risk of sounding blunt: I won't tell the Bishop about you if you don't tell him about me. Ok?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Boaz: Please, please young man: there is no need to feel ashamed with me. Let me assure you there is no sin which I have not studied in the closest of detail, and given some of the things people write and confess (you simply would not believe what some of those fellows in your part of the world get up to when they think one of the Jensen family isn’t watching) there is little chance of you saying anything that might cause me to summon the Ministry Team and Domestics to laugh at your disgrace.

Nevertheless, you really haven’t been listening during prayers, have you? If you did you’d realise your Bible study leader never thinks up anything – he just varies the order in which the same phrases are repeated over and over. A useful trick that helped me stay awake all those years ago in Seminary (especially when it was the Evangelicals’ turn to conduct Chapel prayers) is to try and identify each person’s favourite prayer cliché, and then try to imagine ways of making them use it in a sentence afterwards over coffee when they’re trying to speak normally. I dare say that when the Sydney boys start praying at GAFCON I’ll have to use this again myself: how dear Archbishop Akinola is going cope is anybody’s guess. I do hope he doesn’t order his lads to harm them in any way.

And Boaz, you are not going to hell. The wisdom you display here and elsewhere on the web (I’m particularly grateful for your exegetical insight on Jesus’ exhortation to flog children – positively brilliant!) shows you have far too worked far too hard for your learning in the Scriptures to not be justified by Grace. Were you a physical member of St. Onuphrius’ I doubt I could say this, since insecurity is crucial for the proper manipulation of parishioner’s time and money, but seeing as that I have absolutely nothing to gain by misleading you there is no harm in my being truthful and unequivocally pronouncing you saved.

Besides, if you can’t pay attention just imagine what it must be like for Our Lord? You only have to hear the one fellow drone on once a week. God hears millions of them around the world, and not just at Bible study – some of them even pray when nobody is around to hear what they imagine to be their doctrinal orthodoxy. If the Spirit gets bored how can you possibly be judged for feeling the same way? Just as long as you continue pretending to be interested. Appearances are everything for a GAFCON man.

Unknown said...

Since people seem to be posting questions here, I thought I'd ask one as well. Why doesn't the Bible like dogs? There seems to be a fairly negative view throughout, with even Jesus naming those he does not like as "dogs". I'm confused, as the first Canine Bishop on the Episcopal Church, as to what I should be teaching the good people of my diocese, Pittsburgh.

Thank you, in advance, for your keen insights into this matter.