Monday, May 26, 2008

GAFCON Children's Ministry

All the excitement we had here at St. Onuphrius’ last week was spectacularly capped off yesterday by the opening of our new state-of-the-art children’s facility.

Named The Ceausescu Creche in honor of the late Romanian leader and pioneer of modern Biblical child-care, it features individual sound-proof booths into which parents can deposit their little ones to scream the infantile self-centeredness right out of their systems in perfect isolation. Confident their precious bundles are busily developing the vacant blank gaze for which GAFCON parishioners are famous, Mom and Dad are free to devote their undivided attention on me and whatever important Bible Truth I feel like teaching them.

Preliminary research indicates that as few as ten sessions each averaging two hours in duration over a fortnight – less than minimum parish involvement expected from congregation members – produces significant changes to rebellious infant personalities. Instead of running about excitedly, laughing and exploring everything their little hands can grab hold of, toddlers are soon just sitting quietly and rocking themselves backwards and forwards on the spot, making no sound other than an occasional whimper. Even new-borns quickly cease demanding food and attention whenever their selfish unrepentant hearts want it, and become obediently attuned to a strict regular schedule, leaving their mothers able to organise their busy routine of Bible-study and parish service without inconvenience.

All indications are that this fine start will leave these children marked for life. We predict they will grow up untroubled by independent thought, unambitious, eager to do exactly whatever they are ordered (providing, of course, that the task isn’t too complex), and seeking only the barest of attention in return for their obedience. And just think of the money they’ll save by wanting to spend the whole of their lives living in dormitories?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Boaz said...

We don't have your sort of money Rev Dr but this is what our chruch baddly needs.

These little ones really are too much at times. They act like the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to them.

As a true teacher of the Bible you will know that this a mis-translation and that what Jesus really said was, "a flogging at seven" belongs to them.

Ceausescu... if only we could get leaders like that these days.

Anonymous said...

Some valuable lessons to be learned from Michael Pearl, Fr. Christian. If your methods aren't working for some of the more difficult children use the pvc pipe Pastor Pearl advocates. Also see his thoughts on church youth groups. Makes you shiver....

Bonnie Faye

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your new facility. It just proves how far we have come since B.F. Skinner. Our parish suffers terribly from the intrusions of a toddler, (I'll call it Reagan) that its parents can not properly dispose of before coming to church. They claim that relatives are of no assistance as they are also attending our service and they always sit in the back pew to minimize Reagan's impact. They admit that paid childcare is an option but note that it would force them to reduce their plate offering (in addition to their pledge) which they make on per capita family attendance. And they claim that, now that both their jobs have been outsourced to India, things have been difficult and their contributions to the church must be made in tender other than cash. (I suspect they are the source of the Food Stamps, WIC coupons, and even the buttons showing up on the collection plate.)
Because we want to retain the good will of this family, (the grandmother serves as volunteer church secretary and the unenmployed father as volunteer sextant), we are considering modifying our space to accomodate Reagan. We are considering child care cubicles fashioned of strong recyled cardboard. A ready source of banana boxes is available at the free farmer's market with air holes already drilled in. We believe that such accomodations will be particular ly helpful in acclimating Reagan and its like early to the experience they are likely to have as adults. Do you know if St. Onufrius creche plans can be adapted to the banana boxes? If so, we would, be glad to provide appropriate remuneration for copies of the plans. We would not think that the remuneration need be reported to the vestry other than the xeroxing cost and could be used to augment the rector's Spplementary Discretionary Fund (SDF). Our rector assures us that his SDF is necessary because of the restrictions placed on the Discretionary Fund. (As a personal request, could you give some attention in the future on your blog to a discussion of the Rector's Discretionary Account and its proper use. Parishioners are often confused. EPfizH