Monday, August 4, 2008

Archbishop Rowan Williams Heeds My Teaching

At last! The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally started taking my advice, and begun blaming everything on the liberals.

For far too long he’s tip-toed around trying not to offend anyone, when - as I’ve kept telling him - the solution to all his problems has been right in front of him all along – blame all the Church’s problems on the group least likely to defend themselves by hitting back. After all, who are the only ones in the Communion that haven’t threatened to break away? Who have never so much as toyed with the idea of boycotting anything; and who’ve made it clear that they’ll remain loyal no matter how often they get abused, insulted and kicked? The liberals! So obviously they’re the perfect scapegoat, as no matter how what His Grace says there’s no risk of them ever picking up Teddy and finding somewhere new to play.

Besides, isn’t it the liberals who are responsible for what happened to Jesus? To be perfectly honest it’s been a while since I’ve looked too closely at the Gospels, as I generally only preach from Leviticus or Deuteronomy (which I find create a splendid framework for interpreting the Epistles), and for personal devotional material it’s mighty hard to go past Judges and the Song of Solomon, but if I remember correctly didn’t Jesus get very angry with a group of liberals who kept healing people on the Sabbath? And didn’t these same liberals eventually crucify Him for refusing to share their disrespect for God’s Law?

Similarly, wasn’t it Jesus who threw stones at a woman caught in the very act of adultery because the Law says that’s what God demands we do? Even if this is a waste of a perfectly attractive woman whom you just know is likely to be up for a bit when her husband’s not around?

No, while I must get around to one day having a closer look at those front bits of the New Testament, it certainly seems to me that Jesus didn’t have an ounce of empathy for the liberal notion of living in accordance with the Spirit of the Scriptures – but instead demanded we serve God by going straight for the throat of anyone not pedantically obsessed with the Letter of the Law. Which is no doubt why Our Lord was so impressed by the Pharisees.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I read the gospels once, Fr Troll, and thought "That'll never work!"
They're full of wishy-washy liberal "love and forgiveness" nonsense. Yuk!
I prefer my faith traditional-style.
"Love yourself and your neighbour if he's nice"

Robert said...

or is it "love your yourself and your neighbor if he (or she for the straights out there) is good looking"?

johnieb said...

"Love your neighbor so long as they do what you say."

It's in the Gospel.

Leonard said...

No it's clear, the Abominations will blow up and crumble (or we can assit) if they look to see if their family, or any loved ones, are following them out of the city of the heterosexual rapist child abusers or a local Gay get together spot!

Some dim witted Primates are just getting stupider and stupider and I'm glad the Archbishop of Canterbury is showing himself to be "first amongst equals."

Anonymous said...

I must say, I think your approach to the gospel is exactly right. Read it through the eyes of Levit or Deut. There are a few one liners in the gospel that are puzzling, but we can probably ignore them.

Charity and love for all, well that wishy-washy stuff isn't for me. Give me a stone any day or maybe a bucket full of them and just let me pass them out.

We Christians really need to get this "love everyone" stuff out of our systems. It's been going on far too long and, frankly, is just intolerable.

Grendel said...

Love your Neighbor,
and then Get out of Town