Sunday, August 3, 2008

My Personal Pet Bishop

Lambeth has just about ground to a close, and what with all the excitement about little Mark Brewer getting picked on by bloggers I’d just about forgotten the Grand Poobahs of Anglicanism were busy accomplishing nothing in Yabbadabbadoo groups - or whatever it is those peace-loving Zulus used to call the meetings they’d have before unanimously agreeing to slaughter their enemies.

Still, the end of Lambeth has had one important ramification for us here at St. Onuphrius’: it means that the time has come for our visiting GAFCON Bishop, the Rt. Rev. Quinine, to leave us and return to the God-forsaken corner of the Communion from whence we found him. Except as I feared, he now doesn’t want to go, and is pleading that we might let him stay.

It’s all complicated somewhat by Evangelical Eric, who’s been coming along so well under Bishop Quinine’s influence. Eric’s fiancé, Miss Celia Crane recently started working for the parish in our Ceausescu Creche Children’s Facility, where she is responsible for shaking the babies, as well as ensuring toddlers “cry it out of their system” – whatever “it” may be – and they’ve both grown so fond of the old drunkard that they’d be devastated to se him leave.

So since I’m unwilling to lose another Curate so soon into this one’s tenure, and Miss Crane is unquestionably blessed with a gift when it comes to ignoring normal human instincts to show compassion towards infants, I’ve agreed to a compromise solution: Bishop Quinine will stay with us illegally as our Bishop-in-Residence on the condition that when it becomes expedient for us to be associated with mainstream non-schismatic Anglicanism – at such times as when our liberal apostate “real” Bishop visits to bestow handouts, for example – he'll pretend to be the Verger. He’s well aware that at the first hint of any disobedience the Authorities will be notified, and that he’ll be deported, never to return, so I can safely say that I’m now the first GAFCON Rector to have their own personal obedience-trained Bishop. It’ll be like having a pet turtle, but more colourful, less messy, and even more impressive when it’s my turn for show and tell.

I predict that in time there’ll be hundreds of clergy emulating my lead, but for now the thrill of setting a precedent is sending shivers up and down my Righteous Backbone. What’s more, since Bishop Quinine is now an illegal alien I know exactly who to call should he grow annoying and compel me to shoot him in the backside.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Dear Fr. Troll,

Since you now have your very own obedience trained bishop is there any possibility that said bishop might be joining the Primates Council with the likes of Akinola, Orambi, Jensen, Venables and the truly great John David Mercer Schofield?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Only if they pay for his travel and accomodation - we're not dipping into the parish purse for our new chimp to go globe-trotting off to their monkey's tea-party. The Nigerians/Ugandans/Coneheads/Little-Johnians may fall for that trick - but not St. Onuphrius'

Anonymous said...

Dear Father
I know a Bishop who likened the Lambeth Conference to a "train crash".
He's spends most of his time "book-signing" in the US. Do you know a lawyer who may force this prelate to take up permanent US citizenship?
He could possibly sign books in your parish under your guidance.

Anonymous said...

"Eric’s fiancé, Miss Celia Crane recently started working for the parish in our Ceausescu Creche Children’s Facility," FCT

Oh my, I *know* Celia Crane and I know she was heart broken when forced to leave the "training program" she initiated


after her very discipline oriented work in England:

I'm so happy she's found a workplace that understands her and her vital ministry as published in her brochere "Angry God Amongst Us"'s wonderful that you've been able to use her at St. Onuphrius' to YOUR best advantage (btw, she can keep a keen eye on Bishop Quinine should he stray into the Community without permission).

All is well,

Lic.Velperian Savage Estrada-Goodfeller Peron

johnieb said...

Fr. Christian:

I wish you well with your new pet bishop. I have found them to be troublesome, unruly, and of only modest amusement value, and therefore cannot recommend them as pets without reservations.

I believe a rather strict regime in the beginning is the way to go with a new bishop, and to repeat as necessary; however, if you are an experienced bishop owner, you will probably have your methods which have proved successful in your circumstances.

I wish you well with your new bishop. Please do not attempt to return him to the store, as we have moved without leaving any evidence.


Bevis "Butch" Larch

Pierre Wheaton said...

Make sure you have Evangelical Eric or one of your other minions have the bishop de-wormed, microchipped and also "fixed" unless you want him spreading his "noble" episcopal pedigree throughout the parish.