Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July!!!!

ACNA Primate Archbishop Robert Duncan of Pittsburgh
In order to celebrate today I have specially created this inspiring image for my Orthodox imitators like little David Virtue, or the wild & crazy gang of persecuted martyrs at Viagraville. I trust it will help them always remember how fortunate they are to be living in a democracy which permits people to voluntarily place themselves and their families in hands of a religious dictator. A place where the expression “land of the free” can be twisted to justify the appropriation of another church’s name and property (albeit only until those courts still to hand down their findings do so) on the basis of bigotry and bad theology. And somewhere in which disrespectful bloggers are free to ridicule their vain-glorious pretensions to be anything other than a bunch of sexually insecure little men determined to drag the Gospel and everyone who's been touched by it down to their own miserable level.

For those of you who count themselves as among my Dearly Beloved Sinners, this picture forms part of different celebratory gift, since there'll be a prize for the first person who spots it having been used as a mark of respect on a conservative site. Yes, I know that may take a month or two, but it’s been named and tagged in such a way as to ensure it’ll show up on the kind of Google image searches little Bobby’s faithful run when struck by a sudden craving for an image of their favourite flimflammer. At the moment I’m unsure of what the prize will be: perhaps I’ll mail the winner Evangelical Eric for a week (2nd prize is two weeks), or perhaps it might be a limited edition Father Christian sweat-shirt (for some reason I find the notion of people sweating beneath my image strangely arousing, but that might just be an after-effect of the Independence Day breakfast Bishop Quinine prepared for us all: he insisted they were mushrooms, but I still think they looked more like toadstools). Whatever I decide on, I’m sure you’ll be delighted, so keep your eyes open and email me here as soon as you think you’ve found something. My tip for one of the first places to watch is here, although I wouldn't put it past little Bobby to use it himself.

Lastly, I want to deliver a special warning to any Rectors intending to hold a church fireworks display this evening: DO NOT LIGHT THE FIREWORKS YOURSELF!. Fireworks are dangerous, and it’s for risky activities like this that God gave us Curates. Each year more people than you can imagine blow fingers - and even hands - to kingdom come, and what would be the point of your new high-speed internet connection if that happened? Let your Assistant Minister risk his palm and digits: you need both hands in good shape for those times when everyone’s been ordered to not disturb you while you’re “researching your sermon”. Remember; “one handed surfing” is awfully difficult if you’ve only got one hand.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Rick+ said...

A startling image, Fr. C. I hadn't had my first cup of coffee, and when Mr. D. and Old Glory sprang into view, I literally backed away from the screen saying, "Whoa...!" I have a lot to do today and am getting an early start; thank you for bringing me rapidly to a state of alertness (if only my hands would quit shaking.)

susan s. said...

Dear Father Christian,

I'm sure the image will cause Breaker Anointings in many of the faithful followers of his holiness...

Now if you have a T-shirt offering, I'm up for that!

Love from A Dearly Beloved Sinner

susan s. said...

Oh, and just in case you have never seen the results of a Breaker Anointing...

Lapinbizarre said...

Some video. Menopausal symptoms perhaps, Susan?

susan s. said...

Please, Lapin, you can't blame that on Menopause. It's actually more probably a 'sexual experience.'

Lapinbizarre said...

I revised my opinion after posting and agree with you. Money the great aphrodisiac.

Father David Heron said...

Why are you celebrating "Independence"? You have a Church run by a layman, and Sarah Palin is to be your next President. You were far better off being ruled by the British.