Tuesday, July 21, 2009

We'll All Be Rich!

While seeking an update on little Phil Ashey my Google search for “bears’ produced results of an unanticipated kind: an extremely disturbing report on the practice of ‘farming’ bear bile.

It appears that in a number people lacking empathy and compassion from birth, and possessed of more money than medical sense, have traditionally consumed this stuff at great expense (though what they pay is peanuts in comparison to what it costs the bears) in the hope of preserving their clearly unnecessary lives.

All of which got me thinking: if it’s bile people want we've got more than enough of it here in the Reasserter community, and instead of agonising procedures involving tiny cages, fistulas, and sticking sharp things into innocent animals, collecting it simply involves visiting any one of a number of web sites and letting it spray forth from your web browser into a jar.

Just think about it, my Dearly Beloved Sinners; this means a use has finally been found for David Virtue! Animals Asia investigators in Sichuan Province have revealed that the wholesale price of bear bile powder is US$410 per kg – at this rate I expect we can all earn thousands every day and thousands of animals will have been spared hideous cruelty.

I’ve instructed my entire congregation and Ministry Team to sign the WSPA petition against bear farming here, and I urge each one of you to do the same. Having a far more effective substitute means we’ve no excuse to not do everything possible to put our traditional competitors out of business. Think of it as the same as burning down the local Methodist church, only legal and even more satisfying.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

1 comment :

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Considering that people usually use these concoctions as an aphrodisiac, is it safe to say that bile collected from reasseeter blogs can be used to curb the sexual urge?