Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tractarians canonize Benedict Arnold.

The most wonderful development to have come out of the Orgy of Orthodoxy currently winning British hearts and minds is the way those at the pointy end of the Church’s candlestick have been so eager to abandon their Anglo-Catholic brethren abroad.

While a commitment to the rich via media of Anglicanism is all very well, and the reverent beauty of our ancient liturgical tradition is indeed precious, Keble and Newman’s pragmatic heirs are showing that none of this is so valuable that it can’t be tossed out of the window the moment little Peter Jensen appears with an offer to save them all from death by girl germs.

Keen-eyed observers will have noticed little Pete is a lot like that kid you knew who was always coming around to your house, but who never invited you to come and play at his. Years later you realised there was an explanation for this: his mother was a radical nudist and the “magic bracelet from King Arthur” he spoke about his father wearing was actually a court-ordered tracking device. The reason little Pete always comes to meddle in our churches and we're never invited to visit his is because those not of the extreme Anglo-Baptist end of the Anglican spectrum are forbidden from preaching or presiding in his empire – something he’d rather wasn’t mentioned when he’s trying to talk up the glorious unity that exists among misogynist homophobes.

It's also something that's curtailed the vocation of many young Australians mistakenly not convinced Jesus wore a polyester leisure suit, but given little Peter’s conviction that the Gospel itself is at risk in the Roman Catholic church he can't afford someone spoiling everything by, for example, questioning the official policy that Cardinal Newman taught us to lie. As little Pete’s Dean (& younger brother) says: the average Australian pagan is being led to believe that genuine Christianity is to be found within the Roman tradition; and the last thing this delightfully sectarian-but-newly=impoverished atmosphere can afford is a stray chasuble bringing about the end of Christianity.

Selling your fellow believers up the river in return for personal gain is a principle dear to the heart of every Conservative Biblical Christian, and British Anglo-Catholics are entirely justified in supporting someone on record as saying I have serious misgivings about what sacramentalist ministry does to the clarity of the gospel. Indeed, there are hardly the words to express how exciting it is seeing those to whom the Oxford Movement’s legacy has been entrusted now embracing GAFCON’s glorious disregard for anyone other than oneself.

After all, those in Sydney foolish enough to think they have a God-given right to worship as Anglicans have only themself to blame. Who cares if a few million people on the underside of the world are without access to the Sacraments? The important thing is that people without penises are kept in their place, along with those whom while possessing the said organ are no longer prepared to lie about what starts it twitching. What's a little betrayal among friends in relation to a really important issue like this one?

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Lapinbizarre said...

English Anglo-Catholics seem to be far more clear-sighted on this issue than their US counterparts.

Dennis said...

Fr. Christian,

I hesitate to mention this but surely there is an opportunity for fruitful returns from certain labors in the field of ministry here.

For example, perhaps a guidebook on "How to wear a Geneva gown and preaching tabs while still identifying as an AngloCatholic" would be a useful book to peddle at this point.

I also can imagine that DVDs on, for example, the appropriate way to smash out the tabernacle for the reserved sacrament or how to get cash for an altar on ebay might be in demand among these besieged disciples of Newman.

Finally there must be a warehouse full of praise and worship accessories, tambourines and polyester choir robes that could be profitably rebranded as "Anglo-Catholic."

I might even have an idea where we could gather the capital needed to assist our Anglo-Catholic brethren by selling them the appropriate accessories. Only yesterday I received an email from a Nigerian prince-bishop who needs help investing his millions. I hear that it is always useful to include a Nigerian in these affairs.

In matters such as this, so tied to the wealth of grace our Lord offers his faithful servants, your counsel is a sure guide on the path toward those blessings that alone are worthy of our attention.

Your brother in fruitful ministry,


Brad said...

"The Roman tradition"? You mean auguries of birds flying and worshipping Juppiter, Juno and Mercury?