First GAFCON Schism Occurs!

Dear Sinners – today finds the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior breathless with excitement as I announce with great joy that the FIRST SCHISM BETWEEN THE GAFCON BIBLE-BELIEVING FAITHFUL HAS OFFICIALLY OCCURRED!!

Yes, this monumental event has already taken place – while the dirty sheets at the Jerusalem Renaissance Hotel are still warm and sticky – and as you can well imagine Father Christian is right at the heart of things!

The reasons behind this exciting development are simple: after seeing Little Pete Jensen had managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes I immediately went to the Sydney diocese web pages with the intention of offering them my services (for an appropriate fee, of course) as an internationally respected Biblical-scholar and Pastor. Naturally they require one first register before participating in discussions, which was a pleasing sign: it’s always encouraging to find suspicion and exclusivity playing a key role in the life of a Christian institution. Then, after humbly filling in my online application like an ordinary common-or-garden believer (I may be the world’s most discerning exegete, but I am by no means a vain man) I was told to wait for their approval!

Now normally I don’t wait for anyone, since God has clearly anointed me as more important than others. Still, realising I was dealing with Sydney, and whichever Jensen has the job of being in charge of these things probably had to run off and find an older cousin able to read and check everything was correct, I was prepared to provide an edifying example of patience. Therefore Christians everywhere will understand my complete disgust when I received the outrageous response, presented here in full!

Christian Troll,

We're sorry but our staff has decided not to validate your membership.

THAT’S IT!!! In an email headed “Your membership account has been declined” this was all the information these jumped-up sons of kangaroos had the nerve to provide! No name (alright, it’s a certainty the sender’s family name is “Jensen”, but that’s not the point); no explanation of why they should have so insulted the wisest Christian in history; not even an attempt to address me by my PROPER TITLES!!

There can be no turning back from this point: it is impossible for faithful Bible-believing Christians to remain in Communion with these godless apostate sons of the harlot of Babylon, and I hereby issue the first formal notice of GAFCON schism:

St. Onuphrius Ichabod Springs, a parish of the Northernmost Southern Cone under the oversight of the Bishop of Molvania acting in fellowship with Bishop Kunonga of Zimbabwe, is now officially in schism with the (formerly) Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia (aka 'Jensenville'). Unless the Jensenites formally repent and return to the Bible's teachings (in addition to paying the St. Onuphrius’ Vicar Superior appropriate compensation for the harm caused by their wickedness) there can be no common ground on which we can consider ourselves able to meet and pray together.

Yes; while there will be many such divisions occurring among the GAFCON faithful in the days ahead, we can all rejoice that I am the first to split, and you, sinful reader, have been so blessed as to be able to share in this historic moment.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Jerusalem Wrap-up

The event which has put Jerusalem on the international party-goers' map is winding up today, and in the biggest surprise since seventy-two scholars working independantly miraculously produced identical translations of some foreign work called the Septuagint, the Pontificating Pilgrims have created a document nearly identical to that which one of Little Pete Jensen's relatives smuggled into Israel a week ago.

Indeed, the only real changes are the removal of a paragraph demanding “all ecclesiastical vestments are to be replaced with polyester leisure wear in varying shades of beige” before Big Pete realised this means the Australians don’t approve of him frocking up like something from the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s (which would have made him really mad), and once the check from Howard Ahmanson had cleared and the money stuffed into paper bags the proviso demanding “the negotiation of a contract with Fox News for the televising of stonings and other publically edifying executions” was deleted.

Personally, I welcome the call to “uphold the Thirty-nine Articles as containing the true doctrine of the Church agreeing with God’s Word and as authoritative for Anglicans today”. These days there is nowhere nearly enough emphasis on the Articles, which were after all dictated to the church directly by God. My personal favourite is Article XXV (“Of the Homilies”), since this releases one from the dreadful chore of preparing a weekly sermon. Out the ready-made sermons provided, #17 (“For the Rogation-days”) is probably the most relevant for today’s busy young people, although #6 (“Against Excess of Apparel”) contains a wonderful apologetic for Christian Nudism.

Still, the very best thing about all this is that it looks like the pilgrims have decided to keep holding GAFCON junkets on a regular basis. Of course that was to be expected, since when someone else is paying few things are as enjoyable as travelling to interesting places and staying in expensive hotels while sycophantic friends pat you on the back, especially if home is somewhere on the brink of civil war and run by paramilitary thugs. Yet it’s also good to know that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re going to have the chance to pillage our surrounding parishes on a regular basis. And besides, if they’re going to keep using the name GAFCON my lawyers will have the chance to negotiate a much better royalty fee.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

True GAFCON Success.

As I’ve said before it’s been a busy week, but a successful one for the real GAFCON mission here in Ichabod Springs. We’ve had over a thousand new faces through our clutches parish, some of whom actually attended of their own volition. Naturally my apostate liberal bishop is delighted at that his treasonous clergy will return from their Jerusalem pilgrimage to find their congregations non-existent. Even the properties I arranged to accidentally burn down have not proved unnecessarily upsetting a matter to him, particularly since a few weeks ago I had the foresight to take out additional insurance on the buildings in the diocese’s name, naturally naming him as the beneficiary.

In gratitude our bishop has promised me a new Curate, so I’ll soon be putting my feet up and taking things easy again. After our last four Curates died in unfortunately mysterious circumstances the Cathedral had refused to assign me any more, but all that’s a thing of the past now. Success changes everything.

This is something my namesakes in Jerusalem just can’t grasp. If they would only understand that preaching to those who already agree with you is never going to get you more than you already have. It’s the sinners who disagree with you that must be grabbed by the scruff of their necks and shaken until the contents of their wallets – and also their souls if you’re pious enough to care about such trivialities – are set free.

If Big and Little Pete, and Nowhere in Faith (or whatever they’re called this week), David Vitriol and young Kendall who’s always copying him, and the foreigners pretending to be British Evangelicals, and all the other groups with names comprising random combinations of upper-case letters, would only realise that while it’s perfectly acceptable to hate apostates, liberals and people who have sex in ways that you can’t stop thinking about when alone in bed at night, instead of complaining about them, one needs to get them into one’s church and force them to live differently. Everything else is just a waste of time. Certainly this might involve physical restraint and the strategic use of pain, but I never cease to be amazed at how rarely things need to be taken to extremes. More and more often I find all it takes is for Brother Richthofen and his fine young friends from Seminary to have a little word to newcomers of a “different” persuasion, and before you can say “Barbra Streisand” everyone’s laughing, and enjoying themselves.

At this rate I fully expect to one day control the church that my namesakes have their church inside a church inside. And then won’t Bishop Duncan and his grumpy little band of talkers-not-doers be surprised to find themselves inside old Rev. Dr. Troll! Unquestionably they’ll enjoy the experience a lot more than they could currently imagine.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON, God, and Guns.

Since all the less important Bible-believing bloggers are trying their hardest to avoid mentioning Jerusalem, my intention today was to provide more in-depth analysis of the mess. Really though, everything there is to be said can be summed up in one golden rule:

Never get involved with anything organised by a Bishop named Peter.

Besides, yesterday the truly exciting news for everyone who takes the Scriptures seriously came out of Washington D.C., not Jerusalem. In a monumental victory for the faithful everywhere (which I’m quite certain all of you are already celebrating), the Supreme Court has overturned an immoral apostate mincing-liberal ban on handguns.

Now there’s no secret that I am a great admirer of firearms. I like their smell, and their strangely exciting penetrative shape that requires constant polishing, cleaning and attention. Above all, however, I like the way they kill.

After turning the other cheek (in accordance with the Scriptures) nothing lets a critic know who’s boss like shooting them. Bleeding-hearts who complain about public safety issues simply don’t know what they’re talking about: if fewer people carried handguns American ER surgeons wouldn’t lead the world when it comes to treating bullet wounds: it takes experience and practise to be number one, and in a selfless act of public service handgun owners ensure the professionals receive all opportunities they need to develop their skills.

What’s more, my dear father’s interest in handguns kept him sharp as a tack right up until the day he was accidentally killed. While a tremor did make his aim a little unwieldy, despite severe dementia several deceased community nurses could have testified that he was still able to pull the trigger as healthily as the day he was born (in our family children learn to handle guns at a really early age). I’ve no doubt that somewhere in heaven he’s now looking down and rejoicing that the people of Washington can once again enjoy their constitutional right to pass on in a similar manner to him.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Victories

Just when the whole world has begun to despair that the best Bible-believing Christians have to offer is Os Guinness telling them something along the lines of it being ok to twist the arms of left-handed children until they become right handed, and that people with green eyes can change their colour to blue by simply choosing to stop disobeying the Scriptures, I am in contrast proud to announce the success of my own important GAFCON mission.

The secret has been a simple one, as all good ideas inevitably are: we’ve stolen everyone from all the surrounding parishes, which have currently found themselves without clergy and in a number of instances also without buildings: as it seems my hand-maiden Consuella’s relatives will insist on smoking while splashing gasoline around competing church properties.

Doubtless this will sound harsh to any wishy-washy liberal readers, but I make no apologies for following Bible teachings. Just as the Israelites were permitted to plunder the Philistine camps after driving them away (1 Samuel 17:53), so too am I entitled to the spoils of a victorious ministry. What the apostates call ‘sheep stealing’ is referred to in the Bible as “liberating the spoils of the Midianites” (Numbers 31:11), or “plundering the Egyptians” (Exodus 12:36).

Indeed, if more Christian leaders took the Bible’s promises of plunder seriously, and spent more time taking and less time talking, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Certainly Big Pete once showed promise, but he’s proven to be just as in love with the sound of his own voice as the rest of them. It’s action that mattered when it was time to put the towns of Benjamin to the sword Judges 20:48, and it’s action that will ensure Bible-believing Ministries like mine will continue to keep their Priests in the luxury to which they are entitled today.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON – Jerusalem Update

As the whole world knows by now, Big Pete Akinola has been making such a fool of himself in Jerusalem that ‘Bishop’ (chuckle) Martyn Minns has finally come to his senses, and realised it’s easier to practise ventriloquism with a Howdy Doody doll than with a large and unmanageable African Prelate. This means the only person still prepared to help the Nabob of Nigeria deliver speeches which don’t involve the use of threats and a machete is Little Pete Jensen from Sydney Australia.

So far, however, I must say that I’ve been less than impressed with the result. Clearly it’s been a long time since Little Pete spoke to audience not solely comprised of his relatives, and ordering critics’ legs broken might meet the definition of “hands on ministry” in Sydney, but the rest of the world isn’t going to see things in quite the same way. And since subtlety has never been Big Pete’s strong suite, it’s not as if he can be trusted to hit the brakes when his Australian driver veers over to the wrong side of the road.

All of which makes watching things in Jerusalem positively depressing. All we need now is for one of Little Pete’s entourage to scream “Lay Administration” in a moment of passion (everyone knows how sound travels through hotel walls, and the Australian pilgrims are well known for their peculiar tastes) and the ensuing fighting will make the rest of the world think that one of Hal Lindsey’s predictions have finally come true (it has to happen eventually), and Armageddon really has started on the Temple Mount.

My own GAFCON mission? Well that’s another story, but needless to say it’s running smoother than a Bush-family oil company. But then again, every here knows why that is…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Pilgrims Turning Liberal.

It’s no secret that I love a Banning. Excluding, shaming and casting out sinners is one of the great joys of being a Bible-believing Christian. Yet few things are more distressing for a Teacher of my standing than to see a good thing spoiled by incompetence. Which, I regret to say, is exactly the only way to describe how Big Pete and his Pilgrims have mishandled the important task of preventing undesirables from raining on their Jerusalem parade.

Shunning someone from the Fellowship of the Righteous is supposed to leave them humiliated and rejected in an amusing foretaste of their eternal torture at the hands of Our Loving Father. It’s something to be feared; under no circumstances do you want people asking to be Banned.

Clearly Big Pete and his Pilgrims have forgotten the cardinal rule of Banning: Only ever pick on the sensitive, weak or vulnerable. Anyone else will simply laugh at you, which makes you look ridiculous.

It stuns me that those who have in the past shown they clearly know more than a thing or two about crushing the unworthy could have made such an elementary mistake. Remember, we’re not talking about amateurs here, but men who actively admire Robert Mugabe - and who've met and blessed him. Men for whom the words “cut and thrust” are not mere rhetoric, but part of the process by which they convinced others to let them wear the colourful hat and give their friends all the top jobs (or in the Australians’ case, wear the polyester-rayon business suit and put their family members on the payroll).

No, this is simply not good enough. Where are the voices of rebuke? Don't they realise the world is crying out for an example of God’s wrath? Where are the sobbing reprobates who find themselves stuck in Jerusalem because the church has thrown them out and cashed in their return ticket? Where is the judgement??? Instead all we have is a paltry list of eight people not allowed into the hall - and six of them aren’t even on the same continent!. The whole think reeks of liberal inclusivity to me, and frankly I’m appalled.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Bishops: the Folly of the Church.

Excluding liberals, Sodomites, women, and those with a naïve belief that God’s love is not proportionate to a person’s average weekly offertory, there are two kinds of people called to Holy Orders: those who Teach the Bible, and those who aspire to become a Bishop. It’s not hard to pick the latter, even when mere seminarians, since their eyes invariably have a purple gleam when viewed under lights. They’re also thicker than an Eskimo’s duvet.

Now I won’t pretend that there aren’t a few Bishops who break this rule: +Clumber, for example, can smell mischief from miles away, and as far as
I’m concerned that Bishop Bukare fellow standing up to Robert Mugabe has more courage than Daniel going into the lion’s den, but fortunately for ministries like mine Bishops of this calibre are the exception, and not the rule.

Nothing proves this more than the current nonsense in Jerusalem. While it is certainly marvellous that we have this opportunity to show the world just how belligerent God’s people can be when we put our minds to it, and dear little Hostillium must be delighted to be allowed to travel with her husband for a change (even if it is just to boost the numbers and help Fr Progeny look the Bishop he dreams of becoming), only a Bishop could be so silly as to believe the best way to grow one’s business is to close the door and leave all your customers to your competitors for a few weeks?

After all, much as I enjoy preaching against Sodomy (as well as a whole range of other practices which I have seen depicted in magazines), the fact is that even at St. Onuphrius’ there is not one person I know of who has come to faith as a result of anyone travelling overseas to discuss what they imagine other people enjoy doing with their backsides. Such topics may indeed be the meat of GAFCON teaching, but surely the best way to reach outsiders (and, more importantly, their bank accounts) is to first lure them inside with subjects that interest them? Once you’ve got them hooked there’s plenty of time afterwards to then start sharing your favourite obsessions. The solution to a dying church is fresh blood – even if you have to obtain it against a convert’s wishes. Hating people different to oneself is one of the joys of knowing you’re a bible-believing Christian, but it won’t of its own accord keep a minister in the luxury to which he is called.

This friends, is what my GAFCON mission is all about. Bishops and those whose eyes gleam purple can have all the seminars their hearts desire, but I’ll take a large congregation and a successful building program instead, thank you very much.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

History’s Turning Point... and My Successful Mission

HALLELUJAH!

Today begins the most important event in the history of the Anglican Communion since Henry decided it was time for a new wife. Even King James’ idea of commissioning a version of the Bible in language which has enabled centuries of clergy to confuse their congregations is nothing compared with today, because today is the first morning of the blessed GAFCON mission!

By that I don’t mean the Conference pilgrimage currently in Jerusalem, but the real GAFCON mission here in Ichabod Springs – the greatest event in the history of church growth since the Inquisition.

Since my apostate Sodomite-obsessed local Bishop can’t believe his fortune to have a Doctrinal Warrior of my calibre remaining loyal, he’s agreed to fund the whole thing. This includes buses to fetch people from those neighbouring parishes in which the Priest has unexpectedly flitted off to join Big Pete’s caravan, and a number of other effective Biblical strategies I didn’t feel led to share with His Grace, such as hiring armed guards to keep out any visiting Priests on whose computers I was unable to have inappropriate material planted, thereby tragically resulting in their surprise arrest after the relevant authorities were informed.

The end result of all this Gospel Work is that I am now the only Celebrating Priest for miles around, and countless newcomers will have no choice but to attend St. Onuphrius’. Still others will be attending rescheduled services in their usual parish, at which I will also be officiating.

While it will be a terribly busy day for me, I’m confident it will also prove one of the most successful. The only difficulty will be winning over a parish which also claims to be Biblically Orthodox (although I know for a fact they’re not), and whose minister has not only spoken scathingly of St. Onuphrius’ financial practices (why Conservatives so often feel the need to attack their brethren I will never know), but whom also went to Jerusalem voluntarily. Still, the congregation will just have to get used to real Bible Teaching, since after my report to the Israeli officials there’s no way their old Priest will be returning, and once Mossad passes information onto the Coalition of the Willing the only vestments he’ll ever wear again are colored orange and waiting for him in Gitmo.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Nearly time for the show to begin...

After a most profitable meeting with my local Bishop this morning, who is overwhelmed with gratitude that I alone among my local fraternity appear to have remained faithful, the future (and more importantly, my balance sheet) is looking very bright indeed.

The day became even better after a phone call from my GAFCON “flying bishop”. He’s devastated that my poor health (which results from the terrible persecutions I’ve endured as a result of my uncompromising stance on the Bible) appears to be delaying my arrival at the conference pilgrimage. I did my best to console him, and let him know it isn’t too probable St. Onuphrius’ will ever consider re-realigning with someone even more desperate for a few minutes in the spotlight than he is: by the end of our conversation it was clear he will be doing everything possible to advance my interests. He’ll have to work hard though; everyone knows how much money Little Pete and his fellow Australians have to throw around, and since word is out they’re willing to buy every parish they can in an attempt to stop the rest of the Communion from laughing at them, for the right price I’m not above changing my name to join their family. After all, in academic circles the name “Jensen” carries almost as much weight as “Troll”, and while they are Australian they’re not really as foreign as that Ali-Baba fellow from Rochester, so if I do decide to chase a little evangelical money choosing them would be unlikely to damage my reputation too much.

Anyway, the really exciting news is that everything here in Ichabod Springs is going exactly to plan. Since tomorrow is Big Pete Akinola’s official welcome to the “pilgrims” in Jerusalem, it’s less than a day before everything really takes off. My only disappointment has been learning that Bishop Venables has not yet shown up, and appears to have copied my strategy. I should have known better than to trust my advice to a man who can claim three alpacas and llama comprise a bona-fide congregation.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

Pressing matters, and a small warning.

Well, it’s the 20th of June this morning, and I really should be on my way by now, but dear me, there seem to be just so many problems facing this loyal servant of the Scriptures...

If you’re one of Big Pete’s faithful band of merry men then you must understand that I'm getting on in years, and a lifetime of faithfully teaching the Scriptures in the face of dreadful persecution has extracted a heavy price upon my health. I’m certain to be with you soon, dear brothers, but if I’m late just start without me. Please understand that any delay will be entirely the fault of the wicked liberal apostates and their purulent Bishops wallowing knee-deep in Sodomy.

If, on the other hand, you’re from my Bishop’s office then kindly tell His Grace how much I look forward to discussing things further in our meeting scheduled for later today, and give my regards to all the other faithful members of His household. Nor allow yourself to forget that I remain the only Priest of any significance not to have currently deserted his parish, and how unwise it would be to upset me by blocking any of the ministry funding for which I’ve applied for.

Lastly, whichever side you of the Communion’s divide you fall upon, I suggest a long and hard look at the trouble Big Pete’s experienced in Jordan and remember to never try and double cross me when it comes to something as trivial as royalties promised in return for using my ministry’s name. These troubles at the Jordanian border were just a warning: next time might involve a cavity search and the Israeli Secret Police. And, as Brother Richthofen reminded me, those fellows know a few tricks that even his friends from seminary haven’t heard of.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Buttocks on Pews!

In order to understand the reasoning behind my current strategy, there is one important point which everyone – clergy or layman – who dreams that their congregation might be a successful as mine needs to remember:

Buttocks On Pews

I believe this to be the most melodic phrase in the English language, and I’m sure it can be translated into the tongues of most other reasonably rational nations. Let it roll around your lips for a moment – say it out aloud with me:

Buttocks On Pews

Nothing else should ever matter as much to any Christian serious about their faith. Far too many people of every persuasion forget that without Buttocks On Pews there can be no building projects, no discretionary accounts with which a Bible-believing minister can enjoy his indiscretions, no ministry staff to intimidate - NOTHING!

Certainly conferences pilgrimages can be lots of fun, and represent a wonderful opportunity to waste church money with impunity, but without plenty of posteriors polishing the woodwork one’s trough quickly runs dry. Consequently the true GAFCON minister - and by this I mean those capable of following what God and Father Christian tell them, not just those contributing to my royalty fees by attending Big Pete’s little soirée - no opportunity to put a few more faces in the flock will ever go unexploited.

As everyone knows, Bible-believing Christianity is about numbers. Whoever can claim the biggest numbers has the best proof of their doctrinal soundness. This is how we can all be certain that the apostate liberals of TEC know nothing of the Bible in comparison to the Church of Nigeria: because Big Pete Akinola has more sheep in his flock than whatever-her-name-is. A faithful Shepherd never misses a chance to grow his flock by whatever means he finds available.

Are you starting to get an idea of my brilliant Bible-based strategy? Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:9)

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Not long to go now!

Well, it’s the 18th of June and only four more sleeps to go until the big show begins. To make sure everything goes smoothly I’ve insisted all the other clergy from parishes surrounding Ichabod Springs have left for Jerusalem early: this way they’ll be nice and refreshed so as to get the most out of things.

Admittedly a few were less than enthusiastic, but I dragged the last one on to a plane today. A notorious liberal, our bishop was devastated to hear he had also decided to attend, but not as devastated as the recalcitrant Priest and his family will be when the medication wears off and they discover the flight didn’t take them to Disneyland after all. Still, when it comes to ministry the end always justifies the means. Just ask Fr. “Popgun” Conger.

In fact things have gone so well that I’m now the only Vicar still in his parish for miles in every direction. Naturally everyone expects I’ll be joining them “tomorrow” after “just tidying up a few loose ends” – like a whole diary full of funerals at double the standard honorarium (who else is around to help?) and ... but patience! It’s still too early to spill the beans concerning my true brilliance.

Stick around, and you’re soon to receive the most important lesson in ministry of your sinful and hitherto unenlightened lives. Young clergy: I’m expecting you to take special note of what will shortly be revealed by the Communion's most experienced minister.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

A Belated Answer Concerning HandBaskets

Brother Richthofen just reminded me of a dear little obedient Christian lady who eons ago asked an important question about the handbasket in which all the Anglican Communion is firmly packed and on its way to Hell.

Normally I would just dismiss my delay in finding an answer for this lass without excuse, as the Bible must say somewhere that it’s good for women to practice waiting for men’s attention. Yet the truth is that I’m currently feeling particularly good natured, since something very exciting is about to happen here as St. Onuphrius’. Yes I know, the most important conference pilgrimage (even “Happy Jack” Iker has problems keeping a straight face when calling it a “pilgrimage”, and he’s not known to have laughed properly since the time he witnessed a fatal school bus accident) ever is about to take place – something bigger than Pentecost and Joseph Smith’s lynching combined – but believe it or not I’m on the brink of an even more important coup. There'll be more on that in the next few days: for now just trust that old Father Christian really is going to accomplish something very clever indeed.

So, very quickly, someone wanted to know just how big is the hand basket? Like most questions in the Communion, the answer depends upon whom you’re talking to.

For the Nigerians, it’s best to reply “Big enough to hold all the sodomites, along with everyone else who doesn’t pay you the respect to which you feel entitled”.

On the other hand to my liberal bishop I would answer at length along the lines of “Proto-hermeneutical Moltmann blah blah exegetical thrust of incarnational reality blah blah dimensions of hyperstasis handbasket meta-reality” for as long as it takes for his eyes to glaze over and his bottom lip to tremble in apprehension that I might be more intelligent than he is, at which point he can be guaranteed to leave us alone for the next six months.

To young Fr. Matt Kennedy and his disciples I would initially ignore the question, and keep talking over them, saying “Bible, Scripture, Bible, Habakkuk–Nehemiah, Christocentric Gospel-issue, Word, Scripture, Bible” Finally, after they’ve repeated themselves a few times, I’d turn on them (they love it when an older man treats them harshly) and rebuke them for “not turning to the text of the Bible in order to let the Scriptures speak for themselves in answering the terrible questions facing modern Christians”.

For little John-David Schofield and his ‘friends’ I wouldn’t bother answering at all, since in my experience all they really want to discuss is the handbasket’s liturgical significance and application, and which lace trimming looks best. And why God would have given women their own handbasket if He’d intended them to carry one during worship.

This pretty much covers the whole array of potential answers; anyone I’ve missed out, like Bishop Venables for example, usually doesn’t really care how one responds: all they really want is for you to put a few colourful beads and something shiny into their basket, which makes them more than happy. Except for the Australians, I must confess I wouldn’t know how to begin answering them, since they only ever speak among themselves, and generally mistrust anyone to whom they’re not related. In their case it’s probably best to just smile politely, and give them something insignificant (like South-East Asia) in the hope that they’ll simply go away. That’s certainly Big Pete’s strategy.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Archbishop Akinola and My Valuable Assistance

The past few days the phone simply has not stopped ringing. What with everything going on in the world dear Big Pete Akinola is having all sorts of trouble with his computer. Since all the fuss last year when he asked “Muddles Marty” for help, Big Pete simply didn’t know where to turn to if some of his lads crash his PC by sending a few hundred thousand emails while he’s out at lunch.

Naturally with Marty no longer willing to man the help desk Canterbury’s would-be-alternative had no alternative but to call yours truly when clicking the mouse no longer works magic. And hasn’t this made for a busy couple of days here at St. Onuphrius!

Now don’t get me wrong: Big Pete really is responsible for all his own material, just like Milli Vanilli were, and the assistance I render is primarily inspirational. That so much of what he says sounds as though it first came from my lips is either purely co-incidental, or else because he buys his sermons from the same web site I do. Granted, I occasionally do help him out a little by tidying phrases like “everyone must pay me homage or I will kill all the sodomites in their village”, but it’s all purely cosmetic stuff.

In fact Pete’s only real computer problem is that nobody’s ever had the courage to explain to him that Minesweeper is a game, and not a project management tool. Certainly, I realise there are parallels to the effective appointment of young clergy (as little what’s-his-name from Sydney Australia has shown the world: ordain anything that doesn’t dribble disproportionately when near livestock, throw him into parish and wait to see if he explodes), but in the real world one can’t just blow everything up and then make the face at the top smile again by pressing “F2”. And there’s no use in smashing anything with rage if “F2” doesn’t fix the problem, although at least I’ve been making a bundle selling Big Pete an entire new computer everytime he breaks the keyboard. Now we just have to hope Bishop Iker doesn’t realise what’s going on and change the password to his Pay-Pal account.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Loneliness at the Top

A woman whose mother was not entirely correct (somebody does care – Father Christian always cares until I’m certain a person can be of no further use to my ministry) has written asking why none of the ‘Gathered Brethren’ of the internet ever post comments here.

Dear Wicked Sinners – this touches on a nerve of great sensitivity for me: the truth is relations with many of my former students and acolytes is currently rather strained. Since little Kendall Harmon has refused to renounce his Wiccan involvement with elves I’ve had no choice but to sever all contact with him (Deut 18:10) - and incidentally, his latest post which praises colored men playing golf (or large cats becoming sexually aroused – and I’m unsure which is more inappropriate for a Christian to discuss), shows the depths to which he’s sunk.

On the other hand I believe young Father Kennedy is currently smitten with jealousy, and avoiding me in the hope I will simply go away and permit him to once again hold the firmest standing virtual pulpit on the internet. While poor David Virtue has been unaware of the existence of anyone other than himself for years: the poor little fellow thinks the rest of the web was turned off in 2005. His loyal assistant (the one with the foreign name who looks as if he used to be a member of the The Village People) has been desperately trying to bring David back to reality, but so far without success.

Which leaves nobody else capable of supporting me in this onerous task of teaching the Bible to those who least deserve it. Baby Puce (or whatever she’s called) doesn’t even sneeze without Fr Matt going first, and while there’s a few Australians online that display an admirable belligerence, they are either all related and just a mite genetically challenged, or desperately trying to marry into the Jensen Family so they can obtain jobs which don’t involve wrestling crocodiles and screaming “crikey”

No, this difficult task is mine and mine alone – although as I am a pious man I do like to give the Holy Spirit credit for less successful parts of my ministry. It’s not an easy calling to be The World’s Greatest Bible Teacher, and sometimes life can be lonely – but then I turn to the Word and hear Our Lord speak directly to me and the whole struggle feels worthwhile.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Teaching Concerning Stalking

In the comments to an earlier epistle of mine a self-confessed “uppity woman” (is there any other kind?) has accused a fellow sinner of being a stalker.

Now contrary to what is taught in the evil godless liberal media, stalking is not of itself sinful, but is rather something with a fine Biblical tradition. My favourite example involves none other a role model than King David, and occurs in 1 Samuel 24:3-5:

He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself. David and his men were far back in the cave. The men said, "This is the day the LORD spoke of when he said to you, 'I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish'." Then David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul's robe.
Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe.

In this passage we see Blessed King David performing an action which modern liberals would falsely decry as “stalking”; a curious man secretly follows another person in order to privately observe them urinating. Nothing in Scripture in any way suggests David’s action is wrong; the remorse our brave voyeur feels afterwards is merely due to his having damaged Saul’s clothing. This is doubtless because once the moment’s adrenalin rush had worn off David realised how foolhardy his actions really were, and how taking risks of this magnitude will invariably lead to one being discovered and caught. The text of the passage in no way suggests that anything else about David’s behaviour was in any other way inappropriate or sinful.

There can be no doubt that were David alive today he would have amassed a significant collection of digital photos as keepsakes of his harmless interest, and, given his generous heart, selflessly shared these mementos with other Bible-believers on the internet. Certainly, I realise how the Bible’s teaching in this regard goes against the notions of privacy and personal dignity expounded by the liberals intent of destroying our church, but in response all I can say is that if we are to be forced to choose between the Scriptures and the so-called “rights” of individuals we must align ourselves with the Scriptures every time! Doing anything less makes as much sense as healing people on the Sabbath.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Selecting the Right Mission Field.

Following the last two days’ teaching on mission a certain clergyman who could be on vacation has written seeking advice on identifying potential mission fields.

This is an important question, since it addresses both the very heart of ministry – church finances – as well as the minor issue of proclaiming the Gospel to those who will be spending eternity in Hell because they probably won’t listen anyway.

I believe there are three simple steps which if followed make selecting a profitable location for mission easy:

1. Identify the purpose of your mission.
Is it revenue generation or asset protection? Your answer will define where you choose to go, since those places most favourable to creating parish revenue are normally also the least safe countries in which to sojourn: we’re talking about places like Columbia, Northern Thailand, Afghanistan and certain public lavatories on the Moscow underground.

2. Be certain of your mission’s Biblical Theology.
If travelling to protect your assets have a clear understand of the Bible’s teaching on paying tax: "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's" Mark 12:17). In obedience to this binding revelatory Word of Scripture one must always be careful to not give Caesar anything which he isn’t owed, and since he’s been dead for almost two thousand years it’s highly unlikely Caesar is entitled to a single cent of your hard-earned assets. As a GAFCON Christian your book-keeping has been justified and washed whiter than snow: don’t let Satan’s accusing demons from the world’s taxation departments falsely accuse you.

3. Determine the climate you find most conducive to Bible study.
If your tastes run to swimwear and bare flesh (i.e. you have been called to teach on Song of Solomon and certain verses from Genesis) then you shouldn’t consider ministry to the opium farmers of Nepal, while if you instead feel drawn to the turmoil of Judges or the Babylonian conquest of Israel your leather/PVC cowboy suit will leave you feeling most uncomfortable while laying on a beach in Belize. In that case you’re better off forgetting about launching a mission to topless super-models on the Côte d'Azur.

Once any Bible-believer has systematically worked their way through these steps the rest is easy. Just draw up a list of places which meet your criteria and consult with a good accountant (I’ve always a great respect for Arthur Andersen), an attorney experienced in matters involving customs fraud and extradition (just in case things go wrong), and a discrete travel agent. Let them decide the best destination on your list and the mission will be run more smoothly than an evening’s jelly-wrestling at Archbishop Akinola’s house.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Key to Succesful Ministry - Part 2

After I completed yesterday’s epistle my maid-servant (in accordance with 1 Kings 1:1-3) became distressed that I was about to reveal too much concerning the core secret to my ministry’s success. Being a foreigner, she is an excitable creature, so I took little notice of her. Yet when she began to suggest her family members would be concerned I began to pay attention, since while these gentlemen are also foreigners they are also persons of some influence, and happen to carry very sharp knives (doubtless in accordance with Luke 22:36 – although in this instance I believe they sold Consuella’s clothes and not their own).

Consequently I must apologise, but I have deemed it more prudent to not be too explicit in my explanation of what I meant by “mission” as being the core of my ministry’s success. Anyone not able to follow the teaching I so compassionately am about to offer is advised to not worry about it, and instead contact me in regard to a wonderful bridge in Brooklyn I may be able to sell very cheaply.

That said, when I say “mission” please don’t think I mean the kind of project which involves learning to speak a foreign language, and actually caring about people who live in other countries. That sort of thing might be all very well for those who take Jesus seriously, like Padre Mickey, but the Christian who understands the GAFCON way of reading Scripture knows this is no way to fulfil the promise of Daniel 11:43.

No: by mission I mean a quick flight to certain countries nominated by one of Consuella’s relatives (normally in south America, but occasionally in South East Asia), wherein a fine lunch is shared with a contact of Consuella’s relatives, after which they are given a parcel of Bibles in return for a package to be given to one of their contacts back at home.

As I said at the start, in the light of further Biblical study it seems appropriate to not disclose more at this point. Nevertheless, I trust that those called to teach the Bible, and whom would also seek the Blessing due to them will, as the Scriptures teach: "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this.” (Mark 7:14).

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Key to Successful Ministry - Part 1

My dear wicked unrepentant children: not a day goes by without somebody gazing wistfully at the magnificent complex that is the St. Onuphrius Ministry Center and asking “Father Christian – how have you managed to accomplish all this?”

Indeed, I have lost count of the number of admiring clergy who behold my crowd of faithful parishioners, the blank staring faces of the children imprisoned in my Ceausescu Creche, and the slender firm bodies of my Latina Teens Fellowship, and plead “Father Christian – what is the secret of your success?”

As the Bible instructs “Wise men store up knowledge” (Proverbs 10:14) I normally mislead them, and simply increase their guilt by claiming it's all because God has blessed the righteousness of my Bible teaching. "If only," I counsel them "nore clergy would also faithfully teach the Scriptures then they too could enjoy unbridled success". Yet the truth is vastly more complex.

You see, while it’s correct most clergy lack my immense knowledge of the Scriptures, in reality most of the poor young priests depressed by the inadequacy of their own ministry in comparison to mine do teach the Bible – at least as diligently as their tiny little bigoted minds will permit them. It’s actually not their fault that a good Sunday morning turn-out is only Mr. Haemorrhoid the Rector’s Warden (who doubles up as the organist when his gout isn’t playing up) and half a dozen welfare cases coming for the free tea, coffee and biscuits afterwards. Nor is it really fair to blame them (although I do so anyway) for the fact that while while my congregation features an army of obedient minors gazing somewhere into the middle-distance, their children’s ministry comprises only Mrs. Postpartum-Depression’s twins and a strange little creature someone left on the vicarage doorstep. No; there’s a secret to my ministry success that I have never previously shared, but given the dangerous times in which we live, and the need for drastic action before our church is forever destroyed by liberals wanting to welcome and include absolutely anyone at all, I have decided to reveal my key to church growth.

It’s mission.

That’s right, my church may be blessed with the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior, but a Minister needs to do more than just teach if he is to accumulate a significant property portfolio in accordance with Numbers 33:53. He needs an active mission program – indeed, he and his congregation must be missionaries!

Tomorrow I’ll explain this in more detail. Right now my servant Consuella is seeking my attention, and while normally this would earn my rebuke she happens to be wearing her native costume (made only of succulent vines), so I believe the Spirit is calling me to giver her my full attention.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Swearing is a @#%$^# Sin

The best way of telling if the Bible is being taught correctly is to see if evil-doers respond by trembling in anguish (Exodus 15:14). Consequently there can be no doubt that I am indeed the Anglican world’s greatest Bible teacher, since from the dark voodoo heart of the evil sultry south even notorious Priestesses come in penitence seeking advice:

Dear Father Christian,

As you know, I have a blog. Lest you believe me hopelessly lost, I want you to know that I have standards for what I permit on my blog. Although I NEVER use the word myself, on occasion, I use a quote or a video with the word "fuck" in it. Would this fall into the category of mortal sin, requiring formal confession and absolution? Must I then never allow the word on my blog again, if I want to remain in a state of grace?

The reason that I am doubtful about this is that the Bible contains quite a few - how shall I put it? - naughty words, and I thought perhaps it might not be sinful to allow the word on my blog, just so I NEVER SAID IT MYSELF! If you could find it in your heart to advise me, although you probably view me as a dreadful heretic, I will be forever grateful. I might even send a donation.

Humbly yours,

Grandmère Mimi

Please understand that I haven’t allowed this profanity to be posted with any intention of causing those of you who are all far weaker in faith than me to stumble, although those who do happen to stumble as a result of her obscenity will find me happy to consider asking for your sins to be forgiven, providing, of course you beseech me appropriately. Nor, I must hasten to add, did I actually type this foul language myself, since I merely cut-and pasted it from her email, which means I am myself free of any sin in this regard – although having read it the same cannot be said for any of you, and you should all be truly ashamed of yourselves.

That’s because of all the sins with which humans taunt our almighty God swearing is truly the most abominable. Murder, rape, torture: all of these count for nothing in comparison with the wicked, wicked practice of saying rude words. Perhaps the best teacher on this subject other than myself is the great George Whitefield, whose sermon The Heinous Sin of profane Cursing and Swearing. summarises the Scripture’s position almost as well as I do.

Indeed, George Whitefield's firm stance against this terrible sin set a fine example for any modern GAFCON Christian. So faithfully loving was Whitefield that it is reported he ensured – by means of the whip if necessary – not a single foul word ever escaped the lips of any of the many slaves he owned in the course of his exemplary Christian life and ministry.

So Madam Grandmère – the answer is plain: it is a sin. Don’t try weaselling your way out of guilt – you’ve committed a terrible, evil, soul-smiting sin – rank, festering and adjectively pustulent. The only hope is that you repent – displaying your remorse with full credit to me on Wounded Bird - a blog which I must confess to reading as part of my call to be aware of the sin in the world, and one upon which I would quite fancy to see myself smiling down at the countless wanton women whom I enjoy imagining frequent the seething pages.

And of course: don’t forget to send a donation. I’ll soon have a Pay-Pal link just like Stand Firm - so there’ll be absolutely no excuse for you to not record every credit card number you can find (going through people’s rubbish at night is a good way to obtain dozens of perfectly useful numbers) and run up large donations in support of my important work saving the Anglican Communion by tearing it in two.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Aliens in Our Midst.

From “Stargazing in San Joaquin” comes this cry for Bible assistance:

One time back in 1974 I saw a UFO and think it was real. The Vatican says it's okay to believe in aliens from outer space, although there is yet no evidence that they truly exist. Some say they're already here and will attend the GAFCON conference. If this is so, are you planning to attend?

Dear Stargazing in etc,
Experiences such as this are not uncommon among the children of hippies, and with a name like yours it’s safe to assume all manner of substances were floating around the air of your childhood home. Consequently I can’t advise you to be too certain about anything you saw back in 1974. Neither was H.R. Pufnstuf a real person, no matter what your parents may have told you.

Still, looking at some of the happy throng preparing to meet in Jerusalem one can be forgiven for thinking aliens have landed and minister among us. This is, however, only an illusion. The beings that have you confused are actually Australians: they only appear strange because they are all related.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania

Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania is fine man, even though he is a Bishop. I have in the past always considered him someone who truly embodies the spirit of GAFCON: where lesser men focus on the Father’s love, or on the transformational power of Christ’s incarnation, Bishop Duncan has always shown a clear understanding that hatred of Sodomites is at the very heart of the Gospel. A man who has never been ashamed to put his own needs first, nor to criticize the foul speck in another’s eye irrespective of any plank in his own, I have never before had anything but praise for him as a faithful pillar of the Church.

Yet lately I have grown disappointed in my dear friend, and the sin into which he has fallen is in fact one which a number of people have written – particularly the lovely EPfizH: that of issues concerning Ministry Discretionary Funds.

Now blessed Father Armstrong of Grace St. Stephens in Colorado Springs used to be the leading expert on this subject, until he too lost sight of the most important aspect of discretionary Funds - they must be kept discrete!

It’s no use how much you’ve managed to squirrel away, nor how much property you’ve managed to transfer into your own name, if other people can then find out about it and start making a noise. The whole point of these things is that other people must know nothing about them – or else how can you expect people to believe you and keep giving when you cry poor? Nor is enough to try and disguise your acquisitions through “life-time deeds” and interest-free loans. If you fail to be discrete and word gets out you might as well just kiss the trough goodbye, because you can be certain that’s the last time anyone’s going to let your snout get anywhere near it.

No, much as I admire Bishop Duncan I must admit my allegiance in that part of the world has shifted to Bishop Clumber. Not only is he better educated and more trustworthy than Bishop Duncan, but as a dog he has the good sense to bury any bones he should come across, instead of leaving them laying around for people like Father Jake to discover and expose. Allowing someone like him to draw attention to important traditional aspects of ministry (like the time-honored practice of “tickling the offertory plate”) just spoils things for everyone.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Five Rules of GAFCON Ministry

Having yesterday outlined the principles of Aspirational Church Growth, it is now time to present The Five Rules of GAFCON Ministry:

1. Be Certain, not Consistent.

Whatever you choose to believe, BELIEVE IT! If you decide to criticize homosexuality never let the fact that you’re camper than a Boy-Scout jamboree (and all your “advisors” look like members of the Village People) curb your homophobia. If you decide to attack your opponent’s financial improprieties, don’t let any messy details concerning your own discretionary fund stop you from slamming others as immoral thieves.

2. Ignore Facts - argue the Big Picture.

Your opponents will try and argue with facts –always respond by referring to the Big Picture. Remember that the broader and more sweeping a generalization is the harder it is to counter. If you’re ever accused of discriminating against an individual, or of causing them distress, always respond by insisting “this has nothing to do with one person - it’s about the Church’s survival”. If presented with your own history of encouraging homophobia and violence, reply by demanding critics address "the real issue of respect for the Bible".

3. You determine the Experts.

It’s irrelevant that your opponent is someone with a lifetime of experience in biblical scholarship, or of ministry under the most difficult of circumstances, while your man is a shameless self-promoter who used to sell patent medicines in a country where the leading industries are civil war and spam emails – the real expert is whoever you want them to be. Qualifications mean nothing, and your critics know nothing. You choose who the authorities are, and there's never any need to justify your choices.

4. Talk about the Bible, not what’s in the Bible.

Not only is the Bible is full of complicated and conflicting statements, but some of the ideas it contains (such as “Love your enemies”) are positively dangerous. The good news is that it’s quite easy to be a “Biblical Christian” without ever once referring to what the Bible actually says. Instead of engaging with the text, simply insert adjectives like “Biblical” and “Scriptural” into everything you say. Dismiss counter-arguments as “contrary to the Word” without ever attempting to show why.

5. Always insist that you are the wronged party.

Even though countless innocent men and women have been rejected, ridiculed, bashed and even killed as a result of bigotry likr yours, always insist that you are the one being harmed and discriminated against. Find that your opponents are refusing to let you keep property which you always knew belonged to them? Complain as loudly as possible of the “persecution you are enduring for the sake of the Gospel”. Never give a moment’s thought to the harm you’re causing by leaving: responsibility for the Anglican schism rests firmly with those who aren’t leaving: blame them for the division at every opportunity.

Follow these rules in everything you do, and you too can have a successful GAFCON ministry. Pay careful attention, because men have become Bishops this way, and over the next year you can be sure purple shirts will be handed out like frequent-flyers points. Come to think of it, more than a few of those have also been earned recently, and GAFCON is the surest way nondescript clergy have of gaining more.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Aspirational Church Growth

One of the great myths currently flying around is that in order to be successful a church’s congregation must be welcoming.

While this might be true for happy-clappy let’s-all-gurgle-at-god Charismatic places, there’s simply no need for such nonsense at a GAFCON church. Just look at St. Onuphrius’ – we’re not in any way welcoming, we’re aspirational.

By this I mean that newcomers are immediately made to feel almost as good as we are – and that with a little work and aspiration they may indeed one day reach our heights, but until then they’re clearly beneath out standards - but because we’re such fine Christians we’ll be nice to them regardless.

Cultivating this mindset serves two important purposes: firstly any newcomers not sufficiently insecure to aspire to be one of us are quickly weeded out, saving our time being on developing relationships which will prove of no value; and secondly, it quickly produces a culture in which everybody knows the right way to think, speak and act, because peer-pressure and the aspiration to be one of the people who matter is so strong that those who don’t understand our values just pretend they do anyway, and imitate those whom they aspire to be.

The result is nobody never needs to spell out whom is meant if I, for example, refer to "those sort of people" - because the entire congregational culture is one of knowing, and since anyone who doesn’t understand still aspires to be on the “inner” and accepted, they quickly learn to be quiet and pretend they actually do understand.

It can be a tricky balance to achieve at first, but very soon even a modestly intelligent Vicar can find create an environment where this is all second nature. The first step is to praise everyone richly, but never completely. Tell them they’ve done well, and almost as well as someone else. Greet visitors by exclaiming how well behaved their children are, or how interesting their jobs sounds, but then qualify it by mentioning they are nearly as well-behaved or interesting as someone who’s been in the congregation for years. If that person is within hearing range this works even better, invite them over and introduce them to the newcomer. Then be certain to privately rebuke the long-term member at some point in the next week over how their children behaved, or how much time they’ve been devoting to their job. Never let anyone grow too confident, but also never let them cease hoping to be better.

Before you know it you too can have a growing church built on the principle of everyone aspiring to be more than they currently are, but deeply grateful that they aren’t like someone else. When you do you’ll have understood one of the most important principles of GAFCON, at which point you’ll be almost ready to hear tomorrow’s basic lesson ministry.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Teacher's Teacher

If truth be told I am known among Clergy as “The Teacher’s Teacher”. It’s not an easy cross to bear: in fact I consider it a more important one that that borne by Our Lord himself, since all St. Paul carried was some kind of thorn in his flesh, whereas I have to sustain the weight of countless admirers. And let me tell you, when one of them is John-David Schofield, that’s no mean feat for an old Doctrinal Warrior like me.

Yet no matter how tired I may be after ministering to the needs of my Staff, nor how preoccupied I may be with studying the Scriptures or my collection of Benny Hill videos, there is always time in my schedule to encourage younger and less important clergy – in that respect I have the patronising heart of a Bishop with the accessibility of a man who is still establishing his power-base.

Consequently when hearing a cry like the following, which is from the comments to the brave, challenging, stirring, courageous and inspiring (sometimes I just love the sound of my own praise) message I gave yesterday on the nomination of someone with respect to something that won’t possibly happen, I have to respond:

”Father Christian
I was wondering if you could spare time to give us your wisdom on how, in these politically correct, times you approach the question of the inherent superiority of "certain types of people" over other "types" of people, in public prayer. I ask this as we will, at my church, obviously be wanting to pray that a "certain type of person" never enters the "certain type of people" HOUSE.”

That these are frightening times for those of little faith is no doubt. Still, if a congregation has been well taught, and diligently encouraged to exclude those more suited to another type of congregation, those allowed to remain will know full well what is meant when you pray “Thy will be done”. For the well trained member of the Communion less is more, and the ancient unspoken code whereby outsiders are driven away is so well known nothing further than the occasional well-known euphemism is all that needs be said.

Sadly those Seminarians not from a traditional ministry families (e.g. anyone in Britain not descended from a Bishop married to either his cousin or a woman who looks remarkably like a horse, or anyone in Australia whose surname is not “Jensen”) receive little instruction is given in coping with inappropriate new comers and others unfamiliar with Biblical ways of referring to our inferiors. Over the next two days I shall redress this need – my children: keep listening to Father Christian and you’ll be so exclusive people will be mistaking you for Father Kennedy in no time at all. Or maybe, if you pay very close attention, that funny little Short fellow in Shaughnessy who runs around after J.I. Packer.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Teaching on a Sensitive Subject

Let’s be perfectly clear about one thing, I believe in the Bible and have never in my life voted Democrat. Neither did my dear departed Father: right up until the day he was accidentally killed while playing with his collection of handguns (and to think that my sister – the wanton Jezebel - tried to suggest that his dementia was too far advanced for him to own firearms!). Indeed, he was never even so much as able to say the name ‘Democrat’ without spitting. Which was, of course, why Mother forbade him listening to NPR in the kitchen.

Therefore the announcement of some young upstart as the Democrat candidate is, from the Bible’s perspective, irrelevant. Everyone knows the Bible teaches John McCain will be the next President (Luke 11:21 - although be careful to not place this verse in context by continuing onto v.22 ), and he certainly has in the past displayed a an attitude to women in keeping with the people of Judges

I know that as a Democrat this new contender should be simply cast from my mind, yet something brings him to my attention, and I’m not ashamed to say GAFCON men and women know what that something is. Now please understand, let it never be said that the Reverend Doctor Christian Troll is a racist. I’ve never denied the fact that the sixty-eight year old boy who mows the Rectory lawns is fine example of his race, and for many years his wife performed a fine job of cleaning and washing my laundry until I discovered I could hire an illegal Hispanic immigrant to perform the same job for a fraction of her wage. No sir, I will not have a word of criticism levelled against me in that regard, and I am proud to have a man of color serving as part of my domestic staff.

Yet Democrats clearly can’t understand that being President is very different to being a Bishop, and in any case they clearly haven’t a man of Martyn Minns’ capability to help with writing letters - so what on earth do they think they’re doing?? Still, given their alternative was a woman…

Now I realise that today I’ve addressed difficult issues, and that I’ve said things and raised points that have no doubt caused offense. Some people may even be feeling disturbed – even though, as I’ve shown from the Scriptures, it is all an entirely hypothetical matter. Even so, I make no apologies. Sometimes a Teacher of God must lead his people to confront difficult matters head on, and deal with things which make them feel uncomfortable or uneasy. If that involves saying the word Democrat then so be it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Insults, Vestments, and Our Last Curate

As everyone has probably realised, this past week has been quiet around St. Onuphrius. A blessed side-effect of this has been that I’ve had more time to devote to everyone’s Ask Father Christian pleas for help, and I’ve re-read the Bible another eight times from cover to cover just to make sure nothing’s changed since I last went hunting for loopholes. But on the down side GAFCON men are men of conflict, and all this peace unsettles my heart.

Part of the problem is that since my last Curate spontaneously combusted there just hasn’t been anyone at whom I can confidently express my anger at the violence tearing apart the very fabric of our society. I am gentle man, and the violence with which women, sodomites, liberals, children and animal-lovers are destroying all that we cherish simply makes me need to hit someone, and to hit them hard. Hence our last Curate's usefulness.

The one cheering ray has been a truly offensive letter from a woman calling herself Pseudopiskie - a name of obviously foreign origin. In an absolutely enraging epistle she implied there is something frock-like about the vestments Men of God are called to wear as part of our sacred service.

Madam, since you are clearly one of those trouser-wearing feminists who labor under the illusion that Jesus did not expressly forbid women to wear anything practical and allowing for freedom of movement, I obviously must explain to you that frocks are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty. Clerical Vestments, on the other hand, are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty.

The latter, as you would have been taught were you not ensnared by an apostate liberal church, were ordained by God as fitting garments for men, to be worn when ministering unto His people. The former are a garment created for women, and may only be worn by men on certain special occasions with a few trustworthy companions. Which is another thing I miss about our last Curate.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tips for Travellers

Continuing the important work of my Ask Father Christian ministry I will today address an important question from a dear young lady seeking urgent Biblical teaching. With an obedient heart she pleads:

I am wondering what scriptures should guide me in choosing a vacation spot or activity. In the Bible there is much talk, of course, about wandering in wildernesses, missionary journeys, even going out two by two, but these don't seem to have much relevance when one is deciding, say, between Paris and Puerto Vallarta.

Travel is a wonderful thing, and I know from personal experience that it can be extremely rewarding providing one is cautious when carrying “packages” through customs. There are, however, a great many dangers beyond those involving sniffer-dogs and strip-searches.

Foremost of these is the risk of having one’s mind broadened. Scripture is clear: "broad is the road that leads to destruction" (Matthew 7:13). Meeting foreigners can easily lead one to reach the erroneous conclusion that they are in fact human, a heresy which if unchecked will soon destroy the strongest faith.

To guard against this I normally advise anyone planning a holiday to select as mindless a destination as possible: beach-side resorts (particularly those insulated against local residents) and the cheaper cruise ships are excellent in this regard. Yes, they might be riddled with the vices of fornication and drunkenness, but these are nothing compared with the much more dangerous sin of thinking.

As an alternative, however, Jerusalem and the Holy Land are about to experience an influx of ecclesiastical visitors on a "pilgrimage". This might be an alternative well worth considering. Granted the company will at times be tedious, and I’d advise you keep well clear of Big Pete Akinola when he cuts loose in the evening with a belly full of Goldstar, but on the other hand just think of the prestige you’ll gain among the gang over at Stand Firm. Simply by starting any comment you might care to make with "When I was in Jesrualem at GAFCON, (insert any name you care to drop here) and I discussed …." will guarantee you’ll never get deleted – no matter how outlandish your post may be. Just a thought…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thought For Today.

Some people go to the park and see only the rich green grass and timeless leafy trees, but I see the steaming dark excrement of frolicking dogs – or the equally revolting sight of people cleaning up after their canine companions.. Some see the 19th century rotunda now converted into a charming café, and they smell the fresh coffee and cakes being served inside. But I see the ramshackle toilets at the far end of the playing field, and smell only the stench of unflushed urinals. Some enjoy the scenery, and the warm sun shining down upon their face, but a GAFCON man sees a creation which has turned its back upon the Creator god, and is reminded of the fires of hell into which this rebellious abomination will be condemned.

And while some see love, and shared experiences framed in a sensual embrace, the GAFCON Christian sees fornication, and sodomy, and the exchange of body fluids. It takes years of discipline to view the world in this way, and much dedicated study to recognize it as the message underlying all of Scriptures but that’s the burden which the men of GAFCON have been called to lay upon others’ shoulders.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.