A Belated Answer Concerning HandBaskets

Brother Richthofen just reminded me of a dear little obedient Christian lady who eons ago asked an important question about the handbasket in which all the Anglican Communion is firmly packed and on its way to Hell.

Normally I would just dismiss my delay in finding an answer for this lass without excuse, as the Bible must say somewhere that it’s good for women to practice waiting for men’s attention. Yet the truth is that I’m currently feeling particularly good natured, since something very exciting is about to happen here as St. Onuphrius’. Yes I know, the most important conference pilgrimage (even “Happy Jack” Iker has problems keeping a straight face when calling it a “pilgrimage”, and he’s not known to have laughed properly since the time he witnessed a fatal school bus accident) ever is about to take place – something bigger than Pentecost and Joseph Smith’s lynching combined – but believe it or not I’m on the brink of an even more important coup. There'll be more on that in the next few days: for now just trust that old Father Christian really is going to accomplish something very clever indeed.

So, very quickly, someone wanted to know just how big is the hand basket? Like most questions in the Communion, the answer depends upon whom you’re talking to.

For the Nigerians, it’s best to reply “Big enough to hold all the sodomites, along with everyone else who doesn’t pay you the respect to which you feel entitled”.

On the other hand to my liberal bishop I would answer at length along the lines of “Proto-hermeneutical Moltmann blah blah exegetical thrust of incarnational reality blah blah dimensions of hyperstasis handbasket meta-reality” for as long as it takes for his eyes to glaze over and his bottom lip to tremble in apprehension that I might be more intelligent than he is, at which point he can be guaranteed to leave us alone for the next six months.

To young Fr. Matt Kennedy and his disciples I would initially ignore the question, and keep talking over them, saying “Bible, Scripture, Bible, Habakkuk–Nehemiah, Christocentric Gospel-issue, Word, Scripture, Bible” Finally, after they’ve repeated themselves a few times, I’d turn on them (they love it when an older man treats them harshly) and rebuke them for “not turning to the text of the Bible in order to let the Scriptures speak for themselves in answering the terrible questions facing modern Christians”.

For little John-David Schofield and his ‘friends’ I wouldn’t bother answering at all, since in my experience all they really want to discuss is the handbasket’s liturgical significance and application, and which lace trimming looks best. And why God would have given women their own handbasket if He’d intended them to carry one during worship.

This pretty much covers the whole array of potential answers; anyone I’ve missed out, like Bishop Venables for example, usually doesn’t really care how one responds: all they really want is for you to put a few colourful beads and something shiny into their basket, which makes them more than happy. Except for the Australians, I must confess I wouldn’t know how to begin answering them, since they only ever speak among themselves, and generally mistrust anyone to whom they’re not related. In their case it’s probably best to just smile politely, and give them something insignificant (like South-East Asia) in the hope that they’ll simply go away. That’s certainly Big Pete’s strategy.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.